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January 7, 2012

The Hanceys, 2011

-- Prestigious hardware ahead

The New Year has arrived which can mean only one thing - it's time for the annual awarding of America's most beloved year-end hardware, The Hanceys! And this year your chances of walking home with a prestigious Hancey award which you can show off to your neighbors, classmates, co-workers, religious leaders, exes, personal trainers, parents and other critics are through the roof thanks to the fact that I'm married now and have less friends than ever!

Also going in your favor this year is a change in award presentation format. In order to pay homage to NBC's Chuck, aka the great guiding show of my life, this year's awards will be based off of memorable quotes from the series (there are many a memorable line, meaning a lot of awards to be dispersed). The process will proceed like so: we'll read the quote and award it to the person, place or Pearson that resonates with it most. Here we go.

-To see 2009 Award Winners
-To see 2010 Award Winners


(Lester, perturbed at the arrival of muscular men to Morgan's party)
Lester: "These studs are going to ruin our chances with the medium-to-not-so-hot chicks from Underwear Unlimited."

The Envied One, awarded to: Coombsy -- Height. Long Locks. One singular name. Wasn't in his ward's musical. He's got it all. Thanks for ruining things for the rest of us.

(Captain Awesome to an intruder who was caught breaking into Chuck's house and is about to flee the scene)
Awesome: "You're in neighborhood watch territory now. Go ahead and try to run. I will be faster, because I have superior form."

The Overactive Jogger, awarded to: Erica Nelson -- Not really a friend I hang out with per se, but the only person I know who ran in the Boston Marathon. That's cool. Now give me back my "Born to Run" book and we can be real friends again.

(Lester, in anticipation of a bachelor party to Las Vegas)
Lester: May I ask the best man what casino we’re going to be hitting first? I got a fat stack burning a hole in my crotch.

The Precocious Gambler, awarded to: Eric Hansen -- He’s no Bill Simmons, but when it comes to gambling he’s the most prolific associate I know.

(John Casey, talking to Chuck)
Casey: "Looking at pictures of people you killed? I do that myself from time to time."

The Eliminator, awarded to: Dallin Webb -- I like to think that you sit back from time to time, pull out photos of the girls whose hearts you've broken, and remember the good times. Plus, you participated in a war.

(Chuck, arguing with Casey)
Chuck: "Listen, I'm an integral member of this team and my voice needs to be heard."
Casey: "Don't worry, your pre-pubescent girl screams will be duly noted."

The High-pitched Annoyance, awarded to: Spencer-and-Nathan's-not-quite-officially-named-Podcast -- In its debut year the podcast experienced its ups (Spring Heart Break) and its downs (No Unity, No Victory) and both pleased and bothered many with its tones.

(Jeff and Lester wondering why they wouldn't be called upon for a spy mission)
Jeff: "Do they have any idea how much stalking experience I have?"
Lester: "If only they did Jeffrey. You're very prolific. You're the Picasso of creepiness."
Jeff: "It's true, and this is my Blue Period."

The Master of Creepiness, awarded to: Mysterious Korean visitor of the Seoul-t'ukpyolsi region, IP address 124.56.155. Thanks for the hit.

(Morgan, attempting to invent a code name to go along with Chuck's)
Morgan: "We need aliases. Let's see, you've got Charles Carmichael ... and if I'm supposed to be your brother I guess that would make me Michael Carmichael."
Chuck: "Who would ever name their kid Michael Carmichael?"
Morgan: "Our parents, that's who."

The Title-ists, awarded to: Landon and Rebecca Squire -- Despite being faced with the pressure to name your child something bizarre, unique and horrendous, you persevered and went with a good name. I and the baby thank you.

(Lester, in reference to Jeff's overall disgustingness)
Lester: "There is literally no way of knowing where this guy's mouth has been. Fire hydrants? Diseased animals? Puppets?"

The Questionable Consumer, awarded to: Ryan Pearson -- Who else?

(Big Mike, announcing the prizes to be handed out to the winners of the sales competition)
Big Mike: "First prize, iPod. Second prize, large pizza - two toppings. Third prize - "
Morgan: "Don't even say small pizza alright, cause that's not a prize, that's a punishment. I eat a small pizza and not only am I still hungry, I'm angry."

The Trustworthy Consumer, awarded to: Nathan Ballard -- While I'd take great pleasure in awarding this to myself, I confess there is none who loves pizza more than the man Nathan Ballard. Cut his arm and don't be surprised when you see tomato sauce flow from the wound.

(Emmitt Milbarge, after an unpleasant trip to the bathroom revealed theft among the Buy More)
Emmit: "Alright who stole the urinal cakes?!? I just splashed myself silly."

The Inconsiderates, awarded to -- My employer, the Utah State Tax Commission. No urinal cakes. And you shortchanged us on stall length as well. Just know that none of us will ever believe it again when we hear that state jobs are full of ripe benefits.

(Casey, in an attempt to staunch one of Chuck's emotional spills)
Casey: "I don't even care about my own feelings, why would I care about yours?"

The I Have Something Better to Do, awarded to: Everyone not reading this blog -- Congratulations to you for not being interested.

(Morgan, referring to Chuck's hacker preparations)
Morgan: "We used to call this particular routine, 'The Routine'."

The Mr. Cal Ripken Jr, awarded to: Ricky Andrus -- No custom is more anticipated than the weekly receipt of the horoscopes via this Intrepid Duke of Laziness.

(Awesome, responding to an opportunity to sell his body)
Awesome: "Sure, I did some modeling for Abercrombie and Fitch back in college, but I hung up those cargo pants a long time ago."

The Jerry Sloan Retiree, awarded to: Jackie Johnson -- Consider those drill team pants hung. And the girls as well, if you'd like.

(Jeff and Lester, complaining to Big Mike about Casey's violent ways)
Jeff: "The man's a monster.
Lester: "Like Jeff, only undulled by drink or drug, and he's more dangerous for it."

The Athletic Foot, awarded to: Devon Smith -- the only man whose sporting talent could once be described as "monstrous".

Runner up: Bunna Veth -- Equivalent talent, but not quite as undulled.

(Big Mike, presenting his Earth, Wind, Fire and Rain costume to up-and-coming singer Lester)
Big Mike: "I can't wear this anymore, but you have the hips of a six-year old girl. Use them."

The Swivel Hipster, awarded to: Nathan Ballard -- Now I know some of you will dispute this choice, but the selection committee ran a thorough examination of the man and can say with authority that the Nathan-is-becoming-fat-in-Idaho rumors are false.

Runner up: Jared, from the Podcast.

(Morgan, yelling in fear as he's about to be pounded by Awesome)
Morgan: "Just remember that if you hit me it only teaches me to hit!"

The Brute Force, awarded to: Al Jefferson's girlfriend.

(Big Mike, teaching Morgan about management)
Big Mike: "Son, in my twelve and a half weeks at the El Segundo School of Finance, I learned one very important word. Delegate. That word is key to being a successful manager. There's even a catchy phrase for when you've got too much to do. 'Get it off your plate. Give it to other people'."
Morgan: "I think what you mean to say is: 'Get it off your plate - Delegate'."
Big Mike: "No I do not. You are not a rhyming monkey. You are a manager."

The Leader of Men, awarded to: Bryan Farnsworth -- No one could fire an employee, attend to the needs of a Wal-Mart customer service caller and answer painful questions about the death of their pet while recording a podcast. Especially if that all happens in a two-minute span. No one besides Bryan Farnsworth, greatest manager on earth, that is.

(Big Mike, relishing in Black Friday profits)
Big Mike: "There's nothing quite as nice as selling overpriced goods to those fine few who have yet to discover Amazon."

The Technological Rebel, awarded to: Doug Hansen -- I'd worry about him being offended about this if he knew what 1) a blog was and 2) how to find mine.

(Jeff, in reference to Chuck's hesitance to make a move on a girl)
Jeff: "You snooze, you lose boobs."

The Advantageous Advancer, awarded to: Nobody in particular. I just like that quote and figured if the envelope of this blog is pushing towards an adult audience, I might as well go all in.

(Morgan, talking about Buy More Manager Big Mike)
Morgan: "Gentlemen. I think that I speak for all of us when I say that the only reason that I took this job at the Buy More was to do as little work as humanly possible. The big man, he made that dream a reality."
Lester: "That man is an inspiration to slackers everywhere."

The Advantageous Relaxers, awarded to: All state employees, Idaho, Utah or otherwise. Go ahead, take a bow. It'll be good for you to do something. Oh, me too? Ok. Hmm, feels quite nice to utilize one's faculties once in a while.

(Awesome and Morgan arguing over who should give Chuck girl advice)
Awesome: "Morgan, why don't you let me handle it? No offense, but I've had my fair share of ladies."
Morgan: "It's cause you live in a bubble. Take a look at yourself. Go ahead. It's a freakish bubble of handsomeness. Now look at me, no bubble. I have to be completely verbal."

The Bubble Man, awarded to: Matt Bury -- The most attractive roommate I ever did have (Sorry Kyle Martinos) and the only person I can comfortably classify as living in a bubble of handsomeness.

(Morgan, bragging about his new clothes and hair)
Morgan: "Morgan Grimes, not just for the ladies anymore."

The Switchitter, awarded to: Me, as a result of the previous comment about Matt. Wish there were a backspace on Macs.

(Big Mike, teaching Casey about the effect of clothes on one's psyche)
Big Mike: "To get your head right, you got to get your threads right."

The Clothed One, awarded to: Hayley Dearden -- The winner of this award for two years running.

(Jeff and Lester, trying to convince Chuck that they should be allowed to attend Awesome's Bachelor party)
Lester: "Jeff and I ... we've never been to a bachelor party."
Jeff: "Never known anyone qualified enough to land a woman for life."

The Disappointed Partier, awarded to: Bunna Veth -- Thanks to his attendance at many a LDS bachelor party, he'll be the first to tell you he has attended few (if any) real bachelor parties.

(Awesome's father, angry at Jeff and Lester's musical number during his son's wedding)
Mr. Awesome: "Why are you letting Sam Kinnison and an Indian lesbian ruin your wedding?"

The Entertainer, awarded to: Nathan's unnamed uncle -- While he neither looked like Sam Kinnison or an indian lesbian, nor did he ruin Nathan and Nicole's actual wedding, he did perform a remarkable musical number which merits recognition.

(Lester and Jeff, responding to Anna Wu's inquiry of Morgan's recent life experiences)
Lester: "Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this -- I don't really -- but Morgan is in a, um ... (sighs) ... very bad place."
Anna Wu: "What? Is he okay?"
Jeff: "No. He's focused, responsible, driven. Pains me to see a man wind up like that."

The Professional, awarded to: Zac Roner -- You used to be such a happy man, Zac, unemployed, living the high life on a daily basis. You should know that we looked up to you. We all wished we could be like you. But now that you have a job ... it's just sad.

(Chuck commenting on his and Sarah's relationship)
Chuck: "Well it may not be the steamiest, but we probably have the strangest relationship in Los Angeles."
Sarah: "Doubt that. Morgan's still dating, right?"
Chuck: "Good point."

The Oddly Coupled, awarded to: Caitlyn Ellis -- Only because when I think of your relationship history I think of you sharing a bed with Erica. Strange. Or hot. Take your pick.

(Lester to Jeff during a Buy More party)
Lester: "Jeffery, if you double dip we all may die."
The Unsanitary Saliva, awarded to: (posthumously) Climps - A fine and courageous cat he was. A cat of sterile mouth? He was not.

(Jeff, upon seeing -- and being attracted to -- the pregnant belly of Chuck's sister Ellie)
Jeff: "Is there room for two in that womb?"

The One with Space, awarded to: KC Naegle -- I refer of course to your luxurious office work environment. All I have is a gray cubicle. Jealousy runs deep in me.

(Morgan commenting on Casey's faux funeral)
Morgan: "The only people who came to your funeral wanted to see you dead."

The Mourner, awarded to: Nicole Ballard -- Seems like the only time I've seen you this whole year is at mine and your's funerals, er, weddings. Plus, no one mourns mornings more than your husband. At least he used to before work killed him.

(Morgan, after a night with Sarah's uber-hot friend Karina)
Morgan: So … how was it.
Karina: I’ve had better.
Morgan: (Pause)
Karina: But not many.
Morgan: (Gulp)

The I've Had Better, awarded to: Spencer' blog. You've read better. But hopefully not many.


  1. I honestly had to play a game with myself and the scroll bar just now- to make sure I ddin't read ahead before I guessed or pondered at each award. I'm certain your subtle gab at getting your book returned won't be enough, so I'll make sure to e-mail her the link. Glad my weird relationships entertain you-- I'm awaiting the time when you become the married guy who tries to convert everyone to bliss by lining me up with millions of bloaks. You've got my digits.

  2. I loved Caitlyn's comment. And this blog post frankly. I feel quite honored to have made the list once again, although I didn't make your wedding reception. Sorry. It looked beautiful.

  3. I miss my days of being unemployed as well, but at least I can say I read this blog post at work so that should count for something right? (typed as tears streamed silently down my face).