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December 24, 2011

Reversing the Trend

A somber fact - the thought of marriage has never been that appealing to me. It started with the obvious life style drawbacks that I noticed in my wedded associates: the surrender of one's independence, the loss of bed space, the decrease in friends. My opinion worsened when my golf course boss Mr. Jonathan Brubaker invited me and Nathan into his office one memorable day for both a pay and a reality check. "When a man gets married," he sermoned, "he gets what we wants for a little while. And then he dies." Not exactly inspiring words, unless you happen to be suicidal.

Then there were my mentors. Jerry Seinfeld spent nine seasons going after girls ranging in caliber from gymnasts to possible prostitutes. He never got married. This despite the fact that Jerry was famous, funny and not bald; surely someone that prolific could have found a wife with ease, lending credence to the belief that he must have chosen against it. Perhaps it was Kramer's lecture, comparing wedded life to prison, that did him in.

My second mentor, Indiana Jones, went three movies and 24 years as a proud bachelor. Unlike Jerry, Indiana eventually did end up married, but that was in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and how are we expected to take anything that happened in that movie seriously? In fact I know a kid who considers anyone who cites that movie, be it for social or educational purposes, to be a human not worth knowing (the name of that person is Spencer Hansen, in case you were wondering).

I wouldn't go as far to say the entire institution of marriage is without benefit. Marriage brings the luxury of enjoying two incomes and living away from my sister, not to mention that sparkling married-filing-jointly tax status. And it's not like there isn't precedent for people being happy in marriage. Why that Corey couldn't have been more chipper in his final season with Topanga.

Still, the discouraging parts of marriage have always outweighed the good parts in my mind. And speaking of weight, well that's another fear factor altogether. Married couples -- having nothing left to prove once married -- historically become not only less attractive with the pass of time, they tend to deteriorate at speeds unparalleled in nature. Consider a wedding reception the private sector's version of cash for clunkers - a wedding stash for chunkers. Weight gain isn't the only downgrade in appearance. Beautiful hair is exchanged for short "styles" ( this happens to both genders), sweat pants become the norm, inactivity becomes the couples principle activity.

Four paragraphs written and the greatest fear hasn't even been mentioned yet - divorce. The statistics don't inspire confidence. Commonly cited percentages suggest 35 to 45 percent of marriages go down in flames, meaning out of your six man college apartment over two of your comrades are destined to be the next Ross Gellar. I already have a history of, er,  turning girls against the grain (read here), I'd rather not fulfill part two of Ross's dating resume as well.

With the list of marriage cons ever increasing, my mind reasons that a veritable goddess would be the only person whose constant company could make the thought of wedded life palatable. It would require a jack-of-all trades, one capable of doing anything, everything, and nothing. This girl would love sports and books, which by means of the transitive property would make her love me. Petty challenges like not being able to stretch in bed would be the smallest of prices to pay for her company. She'd be so enjoyable to follow that the idea of divorce would be transformed from fear to comedy. As a mix between Buffy, Sarah and Rachel (the only good thing about Ross), this dream girl would strike the ideal balance between athleticism, professionality, attractiveness and the ability to kill vampires.

She'd be perfect I guess. She'd have to be in order to drive away all the worries that marriage brings. So what, I wonder, are the chances of finding such a girl? The odds of obtaining perfection?

Well, not that bad apparently. 


  1. A blog I've been waiting for. She's a dream. You guys are adorable. Best wishes, buddy.

  2. Love. This is a great post. Congratulations!