Driven to Serve

"Repulsion is our business. And business is good."

-Jeff and Lester, from NBC's Chuck

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Statistics are an interesting thing. They can be manipulated. They can be used out of context. They can be telling. And in my case they are telling. Very, very, telling. Here's the stat:

Six of the last six girls I have dated or gone on dates with have all left to go on missions shortly after interacting with me.

What exactly does that mean? It means that after having had a date or two with me, these girls decided they no longer desired male companionship. I give such a bad impression of the male gender that they decide to give up men altogether and see only girls for 18 months.

"You know, Spence, I had a great time on our date and everything but I just think I'd rather have nothing to do with guys for the next year and a half. But it doesn't have anything to do with you so don't worry."

Oh, I'm not worried. I'm petrified. I'm driving girls away at an astonishing rate. Six of the last six? Has such a feat ever been previously accomplished? Surely no one else out there is repurposing girls as well as I am.

"The name's Hansen. Spencer Hansen. I have a license to kill girl's hormones."

I can't explain how this is happening, but I know these girls can.

Thus, under disguise, I interviewed one of these former male-likers. I cut out the majority of the interview and left just the good parts.

Disguised Me: So he tried to impress you with magic tricks?

Her: It was eembarrassing

Me: His hair was receding, true?

Her: He looked like a mix between a bald Bin Laden and a wolfman.

Me: So you found him unattractive?
Her: Correct.
Me: To the point that the thought of being with any man made you want to vomit?
Her: Correct.

When it comes to girls, I leave them no other option.

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Jeff and Lester my friends, if you ever need a third, you know who to call.