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April 12, 2010

Internet Heartbrake

More addicting than porn, more profitable than Google, and more entertaining than YouTube, Fantasy Sports are the king of the internet. I, sadly, am not its queen. Not even the court jester. In fact, considering my fantasy record, I'm more like the lawns keeper of the kingdom. Six times I've tried to claim a fantasy sports championship. Six times I've failed. I'm sick of having my heart broken in the fantasy lands of the world wide web.

True, I've had a few second place finishes, but in the sports world finishing second is just as bad as finishing last. Just ask Stockton and Malone how they feel about coming in second to Jordan twice. Malone felt so bad he joined the Lakers. Master Seinfeld says it best: "If I was an Olympic athlete, I would rather come in last then win the silver ... If you win in the bronze, you think: "Well, at least I got something."But if you win that silver, it's like: "Congratulations! You... almost won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. You're the number one loser."

Despite the pain of multiple second place finishes (not to mention last place, second-to-last, and third/fourth place finishes depending on this upcoming week), I will continue to seek satisfaction in the fantasy sporting world.  Me and about 15 million others, of course. Together we contribute to over 2.7 billion dollars in lost productivity to employers due to wasted time thinking fantasy while at work. That reminds me ...

Dear (insert employer here: Hillcrest Elementary, Westridge Golf Course, or USTC):

I'm sorry  for the time I wasted thinking about Fantasy (insert sport here: football, basketball, or baseball) while I should have been (insert task here: teaching children, mowing lawns, or hounding non-compliant taxpayers). I owe you one. Or 2.7 billion.

With admiration,

Spencer Hansen

So now you know. I love fantasy sports. The analyzing, the picking, the guessing, the rubbing-it-in your opponents face.  It's one of the best time wasters the net offers, and hey, there are worse things to be addicted to. Still, there is one problem with fantasy sports. Now that I'm a seasoned vet in the game, I can tell you with confidence that fantasy games don't bring true happiness.

Unless you win, of course.

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