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December 23, 2010

The Price is Right

Oh, Jennifer, if you only knew. I'm here you know. You don't have to keep struggling in search of your true love. I could've told you Brad Pitt was a waste. Benjamin Button? Are you kidding me? By the way my facial hair looks nothing like his, if that helps my cause at all (see photo). As for Angelina, I never liked her to begin with. She made a lousy Tomb-Raider. But enough about that. I heard you dated a Mormon once? Care to give another member of the LDS faithful a chance? Not so much?

Room for a fourth in this triangle?

Granted religion isn't our only obstacle- you also have no idea who I am. And that's only the first problem. Even if you knew who I was, you wouldn't consider me good enough for you. Don't worry, I'm not mad about it. Such a judgment would be accurate. I understand that me and you are, uh, on different levels.

You snog, I blog.
You attract mates, I repel dates.
Your body is stacked, my temple is cracked.

In fact about the only thing we have in common is we both think Ross Gellar is cool.

And this, more or less, is the real problem that mate-seekers encounter while in search of their dream boy or girl. It's that they are better than us. There's a reason  that this person is deemed "dreamy" after all. A definition of the word 'dream' is presented for your convenience.

dream (dreem): 8. something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence.

It's no easy task for a male of normal nature to claim a woman of unreal excellence or beauty. Yet thanks to the teachings of the business world it can be done. We studied the fraud approach in an earlier post; this time we will look to the stock market as our guide.

The most basic idea of stock investing is that you want to buy a company that will bring you great returns over time. The Googles and Apples of the world are prime examples of such dream stocks. Problem is that everyone knows these companies are awesome, the desire to own them is fierce, and as a result the price to acquire them is astronomical. Such is the case with dream girls. The male population knows these girls are extraordinary, and as a result the cost to invest in one is rather steep. The price tag may call for a six-pack, Bob Costas' hair, the wit of Mr. Colbert or maybe just actual money (girls respect the large wallet).

Thus the dilemma. We all want to own great girls/companies, but often lack the resources needed to acquire them. But don't become celibate just yet. The stock market provides reason for hope. The key is to buy low when companies are being undervalued. There are two conditions under which a normally high priced stock can be found at a bargain level.

Bargain Option #1
Buy the company before it realizes its potential.

Investing in a piece of Google today requires $603. But if you had invested in Google on August 30, 2004 it would have cost you a mere $100 per share. Hence if you had hopped on Google before it became fully developed you may have actually had a shot at affording the company. With women, or in this case, young women, the same approach holds true. Move in before they make it big and even the poorest of blokes might have a shot at the girl. Of course this path involves a hoard of hurdles: your friends will think you're a creep, forecasting the future is hard (who'd have thought young Demi Moore would turn into a babe?), and of course the law frowns upon it. The author decries the youngling approach as well (by decry, I mean attempted and failed) so if you want further advice on the "locate minors" strategy you'll have to look to the guidance of my dating guru Dallin Webb.

Bargain Option #2
Buy the company when it is depressed

This option isn't just the more honorable of the two, it's the easier to take advantage of as well. Changes in management, poor economic conditions, the arrival of new competitors -- all of these factors can lead to a decrease in the cost of a stock. In November of 2008 Apple's stock price had dropped to $82. Was it because the company had a flaw? Were iPods suddenly not cool? Nope, the economy had just passed away and all companies were down. Had you pounced on Apple in its depressed state you could have owned a stock that trades today at $324 for one-third that price. The question then becomes a matter of identifying when beautiful women are depressed and thus more easily obtained. After much thought and discussion, these appear to be the four most depressing times for single women.

1) After being dumped
Following a break up is perhaps the best time to take advantage of a buy low opportunity. Normally confident girls are rendered swagger-less, emotion clouds their processors, leaving you the average man an actual chance at success.

2) During the holiday season
Loneliness seems to creep up during the holidays. Why this is, no one knows. I guess giving a Christmas or Valentine's gift to only yourself isn't very fun. Strange. I like giving myself presents.

3) When the best friend gets married
First off, weddings in general provide a great host of women who may be willing to lower their expectations of a mate due to overactive desires. When it's the best friend who is being wed, however, the expectation drop is magnified ten fold. Not only is the girl naturally desirous, she's afraid she'll be alone due to the loss of her best friend. Perfect time to make a move.

4) Following personal or family tragedy
This one isn't fun to talk about, but it's a viable option nonetheless. Deaths in the family, job losses, house burns down - these are the times when a girl is in need of comfort. The target's usual dream guy traits fail to apply at this point. Any man willing to listen and pat a shoulder will suffice.


Act wisely my fellow investors. If followed correctly these principles will lead to an attractive  and profitable portfolio. Be patient, wait for the right moment and make your move. Buy low if the price is right and if the girl turns out to be overvalued, well, you know what to do: sell high.

As for you Jennifer, if you ever decide to look me up sometime, you can find me at the funeral home.

I'll be the one cruising for chicks.

1 comment:

  1. Bird is the word, my friend. And the word is superb.