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October 21, 2010

The Fraudulent Dater

It could be you. Or your friend. Your sister. Maybe your roomate. I suppose your mom could be a possibility too, under the right circumstances. Only time will tell. That and the depth of my cunning, of course. Not to mention how easily you can be deceived. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Just know you've been warned. I'm out to date you. Or anyone you know. And this time, I'm playing for keeps.


As you can tell I'm getting worried, probably a smidge desperate, and certainly a bit moist around the armpits. I'm on a two-clock timer to find a wife. My enemies? Time and hair. Both are receding, and once one expires, it's game over for the Uruguayan Lion. Fortunatley, I've studied accounting for the last few years, which besides making me appear cool, has provided me with instruction on how to commit fraud. The essence of fraud is this: companies want money from investors. To get money, they have to be attractive. Obviously not all companies are good enough to merit these investments. As a result, a portion of these "ugly" businesses falsify their appearance to entice investors to pour funds into their plans. Simply stated, they project a false image of themselves to get what they want.

Finally I've learned something in school that I can apply to my life.

I feel no shame in admitting that I have falsified my appearance in an attempt to woo female investors. It's true, I've dabbled in dating fraud, and will continue to do so until a girl decides to invest in me. I started off with lower class fraud like lying about my age or year in school to appear younger (you'd think being old enough to have an IRA would attract girls, but you'd be wrong). I then vaulted into appearance fraud by waxing my chest so that future datees wouldn't realize I was half-bear.

Her: "Your arms and legs are so hairy. It's weird that your chest is pelt free."
Me: "Uh, yeah, bizzare huh ... so how bout the Jazz?"

Next was an attempt to develop a six pack to hide the fact that I have no other muscular features. To cover up my accounting personality I've employed a pair of gurus to tell me what girls want to hear, see, and feel from their male counterparts. Unfortunately, due to fear of dentists I failed to capitalize on one of the better tricks, that of the teeth-straightening braces. But I have done a good job of consistently shaving which keeps women from knowing I am Sharif Hakeem's cousin twice removed.

Someday this baby will brag that he was held by a terrorist
Of course, none of my actions have been as fraud-filled as the use of Rogaine. Yeah, you can marry me, but you should know the only thing keeping me from becoming George Costanza is a bottle of minoxidal topical solution.

You should also know that I'm fine with being a fraudulent dater. I don't see a problem with breaking one commandment (honesty) to bring about another (procreation). Adam and Eve did the same thing way back in the year zero.  Disobedience led them to making babies; surely lying can do the same for me.

By the way, did I mention that I can bench 245 pounds?

Now a note to my female readers - Understand that I'm not the only fraudster roaming the country side. At some point in your single days you are likely to be targeted by an artificial male. But never fear, the US Postal Service is here, with eight easy tips on how to detect fraudulent practices.

There you have it. If your suitor is overly friendly, doesn't have the look of a real man, promises too high of returns, or something about him just doesn't feel right then know you are being duped. I think it's only fair that girls be aware of these signs. Unlike deer, they deserve a fair chance when being hunted.

Lucky for me, I can still fly under the radar as almost none of these signs can be linked to yours truly. Sure some smart girl might realize my hairless chest doesn't "feel right" when compared to my hairy elsewhere, but I certainly don't promise high returns, nor am I very friendly. And even when I'm at my Enron-ic dating best, I'm certain there isn't any girl, in any place, in any time zone, that is ever going to be suspicious that I'm too good to be true.

But who cares?

It worked for Enron, right?


  1. Scratch Anne Hathaway off the list of potential wives.

  2. Dude, you're making me worry for myself...

  3. What?! How can you write a blog about needing to find a spouce w/out sounding pathetic and needy? I didn't think it was possible!

    PS. My word verification was "pricto". It made me laugh.

  4. Dear Spencer,

    I have been admiring your blog for the last couple of months. I am pretty sure I am in love with you. Please get back to me with a ring as soon as possible.

    Your fiance,

    P.S. Your plan has worked more quickly than you could have imagined, right?
    P.P.S. I'm not quite as big of a creep as this might seem. I was referred to this blog by Nicole Blietschau.

  5. Oh, Mr. Woogie-Man...How is it possible for you to be any more hilarious?? And, how is it possible that you don't have oodles of ladies just begging to be yours??;)

    Laura R.

  6. Oh Spence... I love it! You are so funny! Now for a follow up on how women deceive men... push up bras, makeup, hairdye, etc. etc...

  7. haha Katrina!! You're so right!!
    Spence, this is awesome! "you arms and legs are so hairy, its strange that your chest is pelt-free" That cracks me up.. this is a great piece of work, really enjoyed it.