Disney on Ice

Greg Ostertag:

7 foot 2 inches.
280 pounds.

684 career turnovers.

1 accidental three-pointer off a missed alley-oop.

Kidney donor.

And now that he's retired from basketball?

Hockey Superstar.

I know, I know - I'm writing it and I can hardly believe it. Greg Ostertag, he of fumbled rebound and foul-out fame has utilized his time away from basketball to become a hockey standout. In a recent match in his Arizona-based league, he recorded a hat trick, scoring three goals in one game.

Yes, I'm talking about THAT Greg Ostertag. Yup, the same Greg who played for the Jazz. The same Greg who once got girl-slapped by Shaq. The same Greg who couldn't handle a pass from Stockton if the NBA finals depended on it. (Alas, the NBA finals did depend on it at one point...)

You can see why 'Stockton to Ostertag' never caught on

If you ever watched a single Jazz game during 'Tag's career, then you will understand why the thought of him playing hockey is so confounding. How does a guy who can't run and dribble at the same time (or do them separately for that matter) manage to control a small puck with a stick while gliding his 280 lb frame on ice? (And since when did Wal-Mart start selling size 26 ice skates?)

Pondering this Ostertag-hockey duo has led me to consider other odd pairings that should have never happened. For example:

Salad and salad dressing:
The only reason people can stomach salad in the first place is because they convince themselves that it is healthy. So why neutralize the one benefit of salad by fattening it with dressing? Doesn't make sense, or taste good for that matter.

Swimming and speedos:
It's naked or bust as far as I'm concerned.

Aliens and Indiana Jones:
Three movies with religious tones, and then - BAM!! - aliens. This would be the number one worst pairing of all time if it weren't for...

Boys and boys:
With the ugliness of the male population, it can sometimes be a stretch for girls to find boys attractive. So how boys can find other boys attractive is just ... confusing.

Mexicans and driving:
There is a time and place for everything. Except this.

Male sports stars and crying:
Tennis man Roger Federer is the main culprit here. Sometimes an iron tear or two in sports can be accepted, but when we have tennis weaklings bawling on the ground after every match (win or lose) ... This just shouldn't happen.

Me and tax calculations:
The grades I've earned in my tax classes are the worst I've had since 2004. Truth be told I'm about as good at answering tax questions as my cat is. And yet there I am, day after day, working at the state tax commission. Doesn't add up does it?

Ostertag and hockey. Swimming and speedos. Me and taxes. Somethings should simply never be paired up.

Post Script: Please do not inform my employers about this post.