A 30 minute review of Breath of the Wild

-- It's been a while so I'm back to the timer gimmick to force myself to write

Introduction: I saw an idea for wannabe bloggers like myself setting a timer and hitting publish on the post no matter the state of the writing once the time was up. The idea being to 1) discourage perfectionism and 2) encourage writing, even nonsense writing, because once the words start flowing creativity has the chance to flourish (or so I suppose). So the below review was written with a 30-minute timer as its overlord. Use this information as you wish as you pass judgement on my efforts.

Zelda Breath of the Wild (BotW from here on out) is so beloved by so many that I fear the very idea of attempting to review its enormous package in a small, defined 30-minute window may put me in the scope of Zelda fans everywhere. And that's before I even get to the actual review, where what I'm about to say is not all that positive.

My review: I just don't get it.

Is BotW fun? Yeah. Yup.

Is BotW the greatest invention in gaming, as many wish to knight it? It is not.

Let's cut this game into pieces and do some comps.

How is BotW as a fighting game? It's pretty tame. Melee combat does not have a lot of combos to experiment with (like say God of War). It doesn't require precision like say a Sekiro or SIFU. The weapons you use don't really matter, and if they did, then the experience would probably only be further diminished given those weapons break on you. Fighting on horse? Not great (more on horse controls in general coming later). Archery? It's fine, but it just doesn't feel weighty.

Where the fighting gets a huge ratings boost is in the creativity department. BotW serves up a playground that in theory allows for hilarious and genius-level encounter strategies. You know what I'm talking about. Dropping an electric weapon next to a group of enemies during a thunderstorm and seeing a lightning bolt strike the weapon and spread the shock to all the enemies. Imparting so much momentum onto a boulder that it comets through the sky destroying every enemy in its path. Putting a bomb on a balloon and blowing it with a leaf towards an enemy camp.

That being said ... I played this game for probably 35+ hours and try as I might I could never pull off one of these amazing stunts. Oh I wanted to be a genius. I tried to smash so many rocks into people. Never worked. I tried to do tricks with weapons. Never worked. Those TikTok vids you see that make you think, "why couldn't I think of doing something like that?" Well, it's probably because the filmer spent 10 hours trying to perfect that one clip.

I don't see how anyone could rate the combat in this game higher than a B.

Grade: B- (and I think that's generous)


How does this music live up to the franchise standards? It doesn't. There wasn't a single tune that stands out. I don't expect to find any song from this game on a future Super Smash Bros level.

Grade: C (the music wasn't bad, it was totally average)


How is the Open World? It's good compared to lots of games. The worlds have nice personality and there were fun discoveries -- the first time a dragon flew over my head was a standout moment. But look, the leader in the clubhouse is Red Dead Redemption II and that world is just so superior in every single way.

In BotW a lot was made of the idea that you could climb any mountain you could see. Neato --didn't Red Dead do the same thing, only ten times better? I took a picture in Red Dead which had a mountain in the very far, far, far background and I could climb that thing. That made the world feel more connected and real than what BotW pulled off. Maybe that's because of the draw distances on the Switch vs the PS4, but more likely it's because almost none of the BotW mountains seemed different than the others. 

That's another amazing thing about Red Dead - its world was so HUGE and yet it was also recognizable. It's locales were distinct and I don't mean distinct in the funky way that games like BotW like to cheat to pull off (where one minute you're in a frozen tundra and the next you’re in a jungle and then the next a beach and then a swamp, as if God took every type of land mass and threw it together like a salad). In Red Dead you earn your changes in environment. You advance from valley to highland to mountain climb to high elevation snowfalls.

Wow who knew this would turn into an ode to Red Dead? (spoiler: I kind of did).

So the open world wasn't bad. It just was a legit joke compared to Red Dead. Red Dead has the size advantage, the wow advantage, a realism advantage (I'm not talking the graphics, I'm talking the flow of the environments from desert to woods to swamp compared to the jarring relocations in BotW), the stuff actually happens advantage, and a reason to explore advantage (more entertaining side quests, NPCs, and the trump reason for why to explore -- you're a cowboy in the game so it actually makes sense to wander around and hunt and check stuff out. In Zelda, like so many other open world games, the fate of humanity is hanging in the balance, the main love interest of the story needs rescuing, and yet you just put that off to look for korok seeds? And people complain about narrative dissonance in Naughty Dog games [eyebrow raise]).

Grade: C



How are the controls in this game? Pretty woof. Again, I played 35+ hours and still feel a pain in my fingers when thinking of switching between shields and slate powers.

Grade: C-


What about the traversal? High marks in this category my friend! The paraglider is a tremendous innovation and a huge addition that has permeated tons of games. On the other hand, is it annoying to be climbing a mountain and rain makes you slip? Yeah. Is it annoying that you can't steer horses worth a dang in this game? Yeah. Is it stupid to run out of stamina so quickly? Eh ... I can live with it. It meant I had to prioritize stamina over health for the first 15 hours of the game which I meant I had to avoid more battles, which I didn't really mind since fighting wasn't fun ...

Grade: A-


What about the puzzles/dungeons? This is how you really know I don't get this game. The dungeons in BotW -- which take the form of gigantic, walking, monsters you internally navigate -- were my favorite part of this whole game. So, you can imagine my surprise when I found that fans universally found this to be the lamest part of the game. I thought they were so clever. You have to figure out how to first board the monster, then you manipulate its movements to unlock different parts of the dungeon? Fantastic.

Grade: A



How about the story? Wait, there was a story?

Grade: D-



So, there you have it. Call me a neanderthal if you wish. Make fun of me for enjoying a spot of Call of Duty but being too uncultured to understand the finer beauties of BotW. Did I enjoy playing the game? Mostly. Will I take any solid memories from the experience? Not really. I found Luigi's Mansion 3 to be more memorable. 

My 30 minutes are up. Flame away. Or throw a Sheikah slate bomb my way, or shoot me with an arrow, or hit me with the master sword. They’re all the same, right?

Final Grade: B-