I Am a Fantasy Champion

-- It took 17 years, but the mountain has been climbed



My history of second place finishes starts with the same monster who relegated many a team, player, and fan to the undesirable status Jerry Seinfeld described as the 'first loser'.

I speak of Michael Jordan.

The first time he left the Jazz holding the silver medal I cried. The next year I sat quietly in disbelief, while the heavens did the crying for me, washing away our driveway full of chalk proclamations celebrating the Jazz's impending title. My what belief I possessed in those young years.

Over time that optimism declined in tandem with my hair, but even in my dreariest moments I never would have expected to lose 8 championship games over the next 17 years. And before we go any farther, yes I am talking about fantasy sports championships. But you're on the internet and not just the internet, a blog, so as the snake says to the bitten victim, you knew what I was when you clicked the link.

My first exposure to fantasy came in 2002 on a relic known as The Sporting News website. It was a salary cap format, and never did I feel like I betrayed anyone more than when I opted to pay for Kevin Garnett over Karl Malone. I slowly recruited a network at Granger to join my group and I'd cut lunch short to race to the library and use its reliable connection to check the prior day's results. Fantasy Basketball never has made as much sense as Fantasy Football, but I'll be if it doesn't hold a special spot in my heart for being my initial introduction.

From the Sporting News our group graduated to Yahoo and the promise of a real life snake draft. So began the era of Nathan dominating our league with elite QB and WR pairings. At first it was the Viking brothers Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss, only to be followed up with the even more devastating 2007 Tom Brady and Randy Moss combo. It's quaint and fun to think that back then in our rookie-ness we selected QBs with our first pick without reservation. Which brings up a point I'm hearing more and more often these days: why in the world is fantasy football set up to minimize the value of the most important position (QB) while maximizing the value of one of the least important positions (RB)? Don't we want to live in a world where Patrick Mahomes is the first pick instead of the 35th?

The draft is the best part of any fantasy season, so it's no surprise that we've blown it out in a variety of ways (including once drafting offline in 2010 along the cliffs of Wall Lake with the Freshman and Nathan, a tradition that perhaps should be restored). In 2004 we relied on Nathan's 'computer' voice to create a live but what sounded pre-recorded draft invite which is much funnier in my memory than in written word. I would hold the phone, Bunna would hit the music at the same time as Nathan would begin reciting the 'recording', leaving pauses for the person's name that I would voice because that was the only part I could do without laughing.

I like to imagine this tremendous effort yielded max turn out for the 2004 season, which was critical because Fantasy Football represented one of very few digital connections between our soon-to-be-stretched friend group. Technically Facebook existed at this point, but only the great pioneer Bryan Farnsworth knew of its existence. Meanwhile Ghouse was bombed by terrorists so we were out of luck on that front as well. As our squad headed to a variety of separate colleges, we needed this tie to our High School glory days.

Given the importance of this online connection it's a bit of a shock that I risked toppling the entire fantasy paradigm by rigging the 2004 Fantasy Basketball draft. But I had to draft Kevin Garnett! My relationship with KG had grown from a mild dalliance to a full blown affair in the wake of Stockton and Malone's departures from the Jazz. I needed a new player to hold onto and LeBron, while certainly intriguing even as a rookie, was still an unknown quantity. So when the draft order was determined by picking pool balls out of a vending machine I made sure the most scratched up of the balls represented the first pick, knowing full well Nathan would be able to identify it blind.11. I would never do anything so below board again ... unless you count benching my team as a waiver wire protest and inventing an alter ego for my wife so that we could fill the last spot in an all-male league.

The ploy worked! I owned the first non-Jazz player I ever loved! But I still lost in the championship as Roner's Wrath defeated Pedest's Army behind the strength of a Fantasy Basketball legend even greater than KG, one Shaquille O'neal.

Thus began my long history of 2nd place finishes. Actually, thus carried on my history of 2nd place finishes, as Nathan's Culpepper-Moss duo was the first to steal a title from me in our inaugural league, The Last of the Moheecans.22. We were weird, nothing much else to it. I wonder if having three QBs on my roster had anything to do with that. And two kickers!?! Shield your eyes!

In total I've lost championship battles against Roner, Nathan, a Uruguayan from American express, a person with my same first and middle name twice -- once on a bleeping tie-breaker -- and Ryan Pearson of all people. I've finished second so many times that I've managed to lose titles to a person whose first name is Jordan, and a person whose last name is Jordan, which rounds out nicely with the two second place finishes the original Jordan dealt me and my Jazz.3
3. Jordan Stenquist and Cherron Jordan, respectively.
Now you see why I named my son after the only person who has managed to threaten Jordan's claim to greatness?

Through it all my spirit remained unbroken. When a rebellious commissioner demanded we stick with the antiquated waiver wire, I responded with a powerpoint detailing the magic of the FAAB.

When Morey Carlson played Donald Sterling to Tom La's Adam Silver, I was the one who smoothed the waters and crafted the petition for reinstatement.

Over the years of suffering my love of fantasy sports has never wavered, growing strong enough that I even joined a soccer league this year. A SOCCER LEAGUE!!4
4. Confirming you really do get boring the older you get.

And finally I've been rewarded. In 2019 I rolled out the Fantasy Baseball team 'Three Fingers Brown', nicknamed after Hall of Famer Mordecai Brown who was known not for a wiping misadventure but for dominant pitching despite having but three fingers. Does it make sense that my best team name would finally result in a title? Yes it does! Does it feel like I won the title by the skin of my teeth, or more fittingly by the three fingers of my hand? Sort of.

Fantasy Baseball is the longest of all the sports, lasting a marathon 24 weeks, tracking 16 categories of stats, with over 20 roster spots, so it feels somewhat cheap after all these years to have won the title by one measly hit -- seriously, 46 hits to 45 gave me 8 of the 16 categories, versus my opponent's 7, with us tying the remaining 1 -- but good golly I'll take it. I've endured my share of nut kicks over the years, and if history says I'm on pace to not win again until 2036, well I'm gonna enjoy this one.

I am a fantasy champion. How will I empty my vault, now filled with a whopping $170 of prize money? On a PS5 of course. Let the official wait begin.