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December 21, 2009

Athlete of the Year = Ridiculous

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Bored yet?

Sorry, I decided that since this is going to be a rant about Nascar, I'd set the mood with a little repetition. I figure that repeating the same word over and over is the closest I get can get to matching the excitement of watching cars drive around an oval 350 times in a row.

For those who don't know what Nascar is ... well, you're lucky. It's the worst event that occurs on this entire planet. Nascar involves two parts.

Part 1: A person gets in a car.
Part 2: Said person drives the car in a circle for six hours.

End of story. That's it. Pooping your pants is more exciting.

I've always disliked Nascar, but until today it hadn't bothered me enough to stir my blogging emotions. Then the associated press named Jimmy Johnson, a Nascar driver, as male athlete of the year.

Let me see if I understand this correctly. A person who drives a car has been named athlete of the year?

A. Person. Who. Drives. A. Car.

The definition of the word 'athlete' is presented for you convenience:

Athlete: A person possessing the traits such as strength, agility and endurance, that are necessary for physical exercise or sports

What traits does Nascar require? Being able to tune the radio station and steer at the same time? The ability to avoid carsickness? (granted, that would cause me all sorts of trouble, but that's beside the point)

Nascar is not a sport. Never has been. Never will be.
A Nascar driver is not an athlete. Never has been. Never will be.

This is what the athlete of the year should look like. Someone who can launch three feet into the air and dunk a ball over a 7 foot, 300 pound human opposition. Someone who can catch a football in a snowstorm while being cut in half by a pouncing linebacker. Someone who can slam a baseball traveling 96-mph over a fence 375 feet away while disregarding the 65,000 people that are screaming threats and obscenities in his face.

I'm really quite confused by the decision. How does soemone who presses a gas pedal and turns a steering wheel beat out Roger Federer, Kobe Bryant, or the great Albert Pujols for best male athlete?  Does this mean that next year the award could go to an astronaut, or maybe Obama (he has a good history of winning awards he doesn't deserve)? As for me, if I had a vote, I would have to go with Hulk Hogan.

At least he sweats when he plays his pseudo-sport.

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