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November 19, 2008

The Great Hate

This is the best week of the year for clingy girlfriends and clingy underwear. For the next seven days, my hatred for everyday peeves such as those above is forgotten and consolidated into one monster force, dedicated to hating one thing, and one thing only:

The U of U football team.

Yes, I hate things that cling. I hate salad dressing. I hate slow-walkers. But there exists no person, place, or thing that I hate more than the U of U football team.

My works are a direct reflection of my feelings toward the U. In 2003, due to low crowd attendance, the U gave away free tickets for a home game against Cal. I obtained five of these tickets, ripped them to shreds, and deposited them were they belonged: in the urinals on the 2nd floor of Granger High School.

One time I was offered a chance to work concessions at the U of U. I rejoiced at the opportunity to penetrate enemy territory. Did I wear a blue shirt into the stadium? Did I happily tell a drunken old man that BYU was indeed winning their game miles away in Provo? Did I purposely spill ketchup on the stadium floor and not clean it up? Yes, yes, yes.

I've eaten U of U sponsored ice cream just so I can claim to have pooped out Utah merchandise. I have spread my hate for Ute football on an international level (Chile, Uruguay). I have beaten a Utah fan with an empty Sobe bottle (Forgive me Bunna).

Nine weeks ago I claimed on this very blog that I wanted the Utes to succeed this year so that BYU's victory over them would be all the sweeter (For The Greater Good). I lied to both of us with those words.I am not capable of cheering for the U. It's impossible. Wanting the U to win is equal to voting for gay marriage; not only is it unnatural, it also goes against God's will (Coincidentally, the picture above tells what the Utes think about Proposition 8). I've cheered for the Utes to lose in every game I've ever watched them play. The trend continued this year, as it will til I die.

So, for seven days my hatred will run uninhibited. For seven days I will focus my superstitious powers into willing BYU to victory. For seven days I will scan the internet in search of ways to mock the Utes.

Am I irrational? A nutjob? Bias? Superstitious?

Of course I am. There's no other way to define 'fan', is there?


  1. Wow! That is all I can say. Wow!

  2. "Ooh nice catch Nick, jump up and bump my junk!" What? Who taught these two how to chest bump... My one year old nephew could pull off a better chest bump than this... This is a deliberate joining of two crotches. Two MALE crotches... The hatred runs so deep that a Utes loss is almost as exciting as a cougar win. My shell remains calm, yet my innards boil with the thought of a Utah win. Crotch grinders...

  3. Spencer,
    Marshall said apparently Heavenly Father only heard the first part of your prayer. The part about the Utes having a perfect season. So sorry it had to end the way it did.

  4. Utes victorious.

    I just hope they don't crotch bump in front of the kids.

  5. what the picture is is gross. utes. Who DoEs that?? sincerly- pure byu fan, alyson