The Great Hate

This is the best week of the year for clingy girlfriends and clingy underwear. For the next seven days, my hatred for everyday peeves such as those above is forgotten and consolidated into one monster force, dedicated to hating one thing, and one thing only:

The U of U football team.

Yes, I hate things that cling. I hate salad dressing. I hate slow-walkers. But there exists no person, place, or thing that I hate more than the U of U football team.

My works are a direct reflection of my feelings toward the U. In 2003, due to low crowd attendance, the U gave away free tickets for a home game against Cal. I obtained five of these tickets, ripped them to shreds, and deposited them were they belonged: in the urinals on the 2nd floor of Granger High School.

One time I was offered a chance to work concessions at the U of U. I rejoiced at the opportunity to penetrate enemy territory. Did I wear a blue shirt into the stadium? Did I happily tell a drunken old man that BYU was indeed winning their game miles away in Provo? Did I purposely spill ketchup on the stadium floor and not clean it up? Yes, yes, yes.

I've eaten U of U sponsored ice cream just so I can claim to have pooped out Utah merchandise. I have spread my hate for Ute football on an international level (Chile, Uruguay). I have beaten a Utah fan with an empty Sobe bottle (Forgive me Bunna).

Nine weeks ago I claimed on this very blog that I wanted the Utes to succeed this year so that BYU's victory over them would be all the sweeter (For The Greater Good). I lied to both of us with those words.I am not capable of cheering for the U. It's impossible. Wanting the U to win is equal to voting for gay marriage; not only is it unnatural, it also goes against God's will (Coincidentally, the picture above tells what the Utes think about Proposition 8). I've cheered for the Utes to lose in every game I've ever watched them play. The trend continued this year, as it will til I die.

So, for seven days my hatred will run uninhibited. For seven days I will focus my superstitious powers into willing BYU to victory. For seven days I will scan the internet in search of ways to mock the Utes.

Am I irrational? A nutjob? Bias? Superstitious?

Of course I am. There's no other way to define 'fan', is there?