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November 3, 2008

Ryan Pearson, The Man

The impenetrable hair. The brisk gait. The lack of a cellphone. I would've recognized this silhouette anywhere, anytime, under any condition. It was Ryan Pearson.

He had returned.


I've known Ryan Pearson since 7th grade and if I knew him at all I would introduce you to him. Having been around him for 10 years, however, has shed no light on who this person is. I don't know him. You don't know him. All I can tell you is that it is worth it to try and know him. His three year disappearance was painful for everyone; we rejoiced at his return. His stats show that the entertainment he provides is unmatched. I present his stats for your consideration.

Stats on Pearson

-Trampled most beutiful girl in high school in order to be first in line for lunch.

-Stole a sick mans lunch.

-Won the Granger PE award for superior hustle in 11th grade.

-Misspelled his last name on AP test; Pearson thus became Pearspn.

-Had his teeth knocked out by a Muslim.

-Prayed for a man to die.

-Unintentionally charmed a black hippy into falling in love with him.

-Wouldn't mind if his roommate climbed into bed with him (Direct quote from Pearson).

-Hates his family.

-Hates white people.

-Claimed to be black.

-Denied claim after being flipped off by several black persons at the USU-BYU game.

-Currently claims to be Mexican.

Fuse those stats with the following picture and you can begin to form an idea of who this Pearspn character is. Still, nobody will ever know the real Pearspn. The closest anyone will come to ever understanding why he says what he says, or why he does what he does will be his wife. But don't hold your breath waiting for that lucky girl to walk into his life.

Last I knew the church doesn't allow human-dog marriages.

1 comment:

  1. What dog is going to want to marry Pearspn?