Great TV is made even greater by the presence of the beautiful people, the smokeshows, the pretend girlfriends. In my viewing life there have been eight such legends. This is the chronology of my TV flings, along with a brief profile detailing what made them so desirable beyond their obvious physical superiority.
TV Girlfriends Through the Ages
Age 8 to 11 - Topanga Lawrence (Boy Meet World)
Age 11 to 14 - Buffy Summers (Vampire Slayer)
Age 14 to 17 - Rachel Green (Friends)
Age 17 to 19 - Marissa Cooper (The OC)
Age 19 to 23 - What's TV?
Age 23 to 25 - Sarah Walker (Chuck)
Age 25 to 26 - Hanna Marin (Pretty Little Liars)
Age 26 to 29 - Liz Lemon (30 Rock)
Age 29 and on - Serena Van Der Woodsen (Gossip Girl)
Topanga
Greatest attribute: The Intelligentsia Attache
Hermione before Hermione existed, Topanga laid the groundwork for what would come a decade later: the realization that being smart and nerdy isn't all that bad! The nerd revolution would be ushered into the mainstream by Seth from The OC, and permanently embedded by shows like Chuck or The Big Bang Theory gang, but we have to throw some (extra) credit in the direction of the girl who started the pioneer effort. If Seth is to nerd culture what MJ was to the NBA, and if Chuck then is LeBron, does that make Topanga ... Magic Johnson? I'm ok with that comp, so long as we're talking pre-crazy Magic of course.
Buffy
Greatest Attribute: The Mike Trout of TV Bombshells
Is it an oxymoron to list as a person's greatest attribute their balance among many attributes? Maybe. Still, take your pick: Buffy is funny, strong, friendly, loyal, heroic, brave and we'll cut off the scout oath there. She is the complete package. What a legend. There is no need for more words from this blogger.11. A quick search reveals this will be the 12th post to mention the legend's name. Those are Max Hall type shoutouts. Salute.
Rachel
Greatest Attribute: The Gutsy Pioneer
Perhaps the most top to bottom physically beautiful person on this list, which is certainly saying something, let us not forget this character walked out on her wedding day and built a career dynasty out of nothing. Who does that? And who has the balls to do that? For a cowardly person like myself -- "I can't be blind Jerry, the blind are courageous" -- such an attribute is intoxicating.
Marissa
Greatest Attribute: Ye Old Loyal Bear
Ah the girl who lived next door ... in the mansion on the beach that you'll never come within 50 miles of seeing. My favorite memory of Marissa Cooper is my MTC companion begging our instructor to tell us what was happening between her and Ryan on the weekly. The instructor -- a reluctant yet confessed viewer -- refused to tell us anything, just as Marissa refused to give up on Ryan, no matter how many times he gave up on her. In describing Marissa I echo Nathan's hilarious one word label following a goofy fellow's long pledge of obedience during a Sunday School lesson, which was intended not to impress God but to win the hearts of unattached girls everywhere. Said Nathan, in utmost mocking deadpan: "Loyal."
Sarah
Greatest Attribute: The Longsuffering Professional
When two years of mission service in the foreign lands of Chile had clubbed the television spirit out of me, it was Sarah Walker who reconverted me. She was the modern day Buffy, albeit without the personality, but with a penchant for professionalism that would motivate me in my more dire days as a young accountant. If greatness such as she could toil away at the Hot Dog stand, day after day, so too could I bare the burdens of the drudgingly laborious tax commission.
Hanna
Greatest Attribute: The Firecracker
I don't have a lot to say here, and I don't mean that in the good way alluded to earlier with Buffy. This was my shortest and weakest television fling of the group. Also remember the short hair phase? Not ideal. I remember little about Hanna, other than she was a firecracker, and while I don't enjoy when my daughter discovers firecrackers in the cabin at Bear Lake, I do find it appealing for my TV girlfriends.
Liz Lemon
Greatest Attribute: The Funny Girl That Wasn't Fat
Elaine of Seinfeld lore makes a compelling case for funniest female character of all time ... and she can have it. Liz Lemon belongs in the funniest character of all time discussion, male, female, period. Long live Liz Lemon, Queen of the Night Cheese, The Deal Breaker of Relationships, Dodger of Jury Duty, Mother of I want to go to there.
Serena Van Der Woodson
Greatest Attribute: Charity Seeketh Not Her Own
Here we have the girl with a heart of gold paired with the hair of champions. Serena would give anyone a chance. Through six seasons she dated ... everyone? Here's the list:
a blogger with bad hair
an artist with worse hair
a scammer
a druggie
a married congressman
a married congressman's brother with great hair
her best friend's ex (same guy as above but still)
a professor
an ex con
a dad
As a dad blogger with no hair I'd probably fall into the lower levels of that list, but that means I'd still have a chance (!!!) thanks to SVDW's ever open heart. Her willingness to descend to date men of quality three and four galaxies below her exemplifies the love of all men described in the book of Corinthians. Serena Van Der Woodson never faileth.
Greatest Attribute: Ye Old Loyal Bear
Ah the girl who lived next door ... in the mansion on the beach that you'll never come within 50 miles of seeing. My favorite memory of Marissa Cooper is my MTC companion begging our instructor to tell us what was happening between her and Ryan on the weekly. The instructor -- a reluctant yet confessed viewer -- refused to tell us anything, just as Marissa refused to give up on Ryan, no matter how many times he gave up on her. In describing Marissa I echo Nathan's hilarious one word label following a goofy fellow's long pledge of obedience during a Sunday School lesson, which was intended not to impress God but to win the hearts of unattached girls everywhere. Said Nathan, in utmost mocking deadpan: "Loyal."
Sarah
Greatest Attribute: The Longsuffering Professional
When two years of mission service in the foreign lands of Chile had clubbed the television spirit out of me, it was Sarah Walker who reconverted me. She was the modern day Buffy, albeit without the personality, but with a penchant for professionalism that would motivate me in my more dire days as a young accountant. If greatness such as she could toil away at the Hot Dog stand, day after day, so too could I bare the burdens of the drudgingly laborious tax commission.
Hanna
Greatest Attribute: The Firecracker
I don't have a lot to say here, and I don't mean that in the good way alluded to earlier with Buffy. This was my shortest and weakest television fling of the group. Also remember the short hair phase? Not ideal. I remember little about Hanna, other than she was a firecracker, and while I don't enjoy when my daughter discovers firecrackers in the cabin at Bear Lake, I do find it appealing for my TV girlfriends.
Liz Lemon
Greatest Attribute: The Funny Girl That Wasn't Fat
Elaine of Seinfeld lore makes a compelling case for funniest female character of all time ... and she can have it. Liz Lemon belongs in the funniest character of all time discussion, male, female, period. Long live Liz Lemon, Queen of the Night Cheese, The Deal Breaker of Relationships, Dodger of Jury Duty, Mother of I want to go to there.
Serena Van Der Woodson
Greatest Attribute: Charity Seeketh Not Her Own
Here we have the girl with a heart of gold paired with the hair of champions. Serena would give anyone a chance. Through six seasons she dated ... everyone? Here's the list:
a blogger with bad hair
an artist with worse hair
a scammer
a druggie
a married congressman
a married congressman's brother with great hair
her best friend's ex (same guy as above but still)
a professor
an ex con
a dad
As a dad blogger with no hair I'd probably fall into the lower levels of that list, but that means I'd still have a chance (!!!) thanks to SVDW's ever open heart. Her willingness to descend to date men of quality three and four galaxies below her exemplifies the love of all men described in the book of Corinthians. Serena Van Der Woodson never faileth.
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