Recapping the Survivor Season 40 Draft. Plus a Poem.

-- Why yes, I do still watch Survivor. Thanks for asking.


40 seasons.

Friends lasted for 10. Mash and Cheers hit 11. Grey's Anatomy has been on since 2004. The Simpsons is on season 31 despite having only -- checks notes -- 17 viewers this decade. I was not one of those viewers. My parents made me vow against that show and lo what an inspired call that was. With Simpsons off the table I dutifully clicked up once on the remote, from channel 13 to 14, and there was Friends, and without Friends who would have prepared me for adult life?

I dunno, maybe I'm going out on a limb here but perhaps an educational show a la Jeopardy could have taught me about life as well? The only problem is no one under 45 would watch that show as part of their daily routine, am I right? Wrong! During the recent Jeopardy GOAT tournament we learned that all three of the contestants were Jeopardy watchers from a tiny age, and with that I remembered sometimes people are just born to do a certain thing.

For some, it's memorizing Jeopardy trivia alongside 1st grade math. For Tiger, who was on TV sinking putts at age 2, it was golf. Then there's guys like Bob Costas who are single digits-years-old and listen to a baseball game, record the broadcast, then go sit in the car and re-listen to the tape, repeating the play-by-play word for word to learn timing, pace, and endurance. Journalist Steve Rushin would scotch 4 pieces of printer paper together to make newspaper-sized sheets as a child, then write articles to fill the fake news of the day.

And so I wonder, what's it like to be so preternaturally good at something that your life path is decided when you're 6? Is it comforting, or frustrating, knowing you have minimal choices? What's the pressure like? Does the thrill of knowing you enjoy doing something and you do it better than 99% of the population override all downsides? And finally one last question.

What was I born to do?

Play Survivor.

I wish.

For all my love of the show I could never. I'm horrible at lying. Paranoia would give me more stomach aches than the rice. Not to mention I'd get carsick on the flight to the island. But .... maybe I was born to watch it ... and write poorly about it?

To wit: there have been 39 seasons of Survivor, with a 40th debuting next week. I have seen every one. I've read the Rudy Bosch book. I've read the Jeff Probst book. I got Rick Devens on Cameo. I've bought 5 CDs in my life and one is the Survivor soundtrack.11. The other 4: 1989, Reputation, Lord of the Rings Two Towers, and Lord of the Rings Return of the King I spent an entire youth conference mimicking Jeff's hosting skills. I light a candle to Shambo's hair on the nightly.

You can call me the Sam-I-Am of Survivor.

I've watched Survivor laying down
I've watched Survivor out of town

I have watched in the dawn
I have watched despite yawn

I have watched skipping church and watched skipping works
I have watched with loud talkers, and other such jerks

I've watched online and watched DVR
I've watched in rainstorms trapped in a car

I've watched pirated and I've watched live
I've watched with only a bed and crate by my side

Say! I do, I do, I like Survivor the most
Thank you oh thank you, Holy Saint Probst

It is with this Scrooge-vault of viewership that I can comfortably name Parvati the greatest to ever wear the buff. I am not alone in this sentiment. Enter the Survivor Godfather, Jeff Probst himself:

“I’m giving (best winner of all-time) to Parvati because just watching her play that season I felt like we were watching a surgeon go inside a body with a really delicate operation and just move things and tighten up, and they did their own stitches at the end, they closed up or whatever they did. I mean, everybody who won this game has been a genius in how they’ve done it because they had to do it in their season. But watching Parvati, still when I go back and I see some of those episodes — tiny little adjustments, all of it about persuasion. She either charmed you or she made you feel the consequence. One or the other. Sometimes, both together. And step by step she’d laugh and smile and make it seem like, ‘Hey, if I go home, I go home. [Dramatic tone shift] I love this game. I’m never going home. Ever. I’ve got you. And you. [Makes several sword slicing motions] And you.’ That’s how I saw it.”

Since we're copying and pasting things I didn't write today I'll now plagiarize myself: 

"The stats back up Parv as an all-timer. She is second in number of days played only to Boston Rob (who played 4 times to Parv’s 3), second in average days lasted per season (38 days lasted per season to Sandra’s 39), first in opponents voted out (a somewhat tricky statistic, for every tribal council in which the person you voted for was the person in fact sent home, you record a statistic), and perhaps most incredibly doesn’t crack the top 25 for votes against despite having played 114 days. Put another way, our old pal Phillip collected more votes against in 39 days than Parvati did in 114."

Among legendary Survivor players Parv is LeBron.22. Sandra, for the record, is Robert Horry. I know nobody will read this blog or get that joke, but it gives me smiles. Why not MJ? Because quitting the game twice before you officially retire isn't a great attribute in Survivor. Versatility is. LeBron does it all: passes, defends, scores, and coaches (lol). LeBron once had a playoff run that saw him as the primary defender against Andre Iguodala (SF) in one series, Kevin Garnett (C) in another, and Derrick Rose in the last (PG). He's played for three different teams and thrived in myriad offensive systems. Parv does the Survivor equivalent by being the charmer, the physical threat, the strategist, and even the cool customer when necessary. Some in the Survivor annals have outplayed her, some outwitted her, one has outlasted her, but no one has done all three as well as she. 

My hope is she does it again because while my skill is watching Survivor, Jackie's is picking Survivor winners. Jackie struck me dumb in Season 2 when she picked Tina to win from the outset, despite Colby's Malone-ly physique and Amber's undeniable charisma. She was on weirdo Sophie from the beginning of Season 23 and picked the winner in our family's first Survivor draft (and would have had the second if it wasn't for the ludicrous Chris debacle). This year her team consists of first round pick Kim -- who recorded one of the best start-to-finish beatdowns in Survivor lore -- second round pick Amber, and third pick Sophie against my number one overall pick Parvati and second round pick Wendell (I also have Danni Boatright but I mean come on).

Here's how the draft unfolded:

Round 1
1. Spencer selects Parvati
2. Kody selects Boston Rob
3. Donald selects Tony
4. Anna selects Nick
5. Jackie selects Kim
6. Kenny selects Ethan
7. Karlie selects Ben

Round 2
8. Karlie selects Jeremy
9. Kenny selects Michelle
10. Jackie selects Amber
11. Anna selects Natalie
12. Donald selects Adam
13. Kody selects Yul
14. Spencer selects Wendell

Round 3
15. Spencer selects Danni
16. Kody selects Sarah
17. Donald selects Sandra
18. Anna selects Tyson
19. Jackie selects Sophie
20. Kenny selects Denise

For those curious my draft board was broken into 5 tiers, with Parv alone in Tier I; Rob, Kim, Amber, Wendell and Yul in Tier II; Ethan, Ben, Tony, Jeremy, and Nick in Tier III; Adam, Sophie, Sarah, Sandra, Danni, Michelle, and Natalie in Tier IV; and lastly Denise and Tyson in the Tier V, aka the undesirables. To have ended up with my number one overall player and a solid Tier II player was about as much as I could have hoped for (alas, Yul went one measly pick before I had a chance to scoop him). But even here I trail Jackie who somehow got 3 of the top 5 on her board, including darkhorse Sophie with the 19th(!!!) overall pick.

For the most anticipated season of all-time the stakes are as high as ever. I can't wait to watch, and by the way if Parv wins and officially takes the title of greatest ever, our next kid is getting named after her.

Gosh I hope it's a girl.