Raised in the shadow of George Costanza, where cheapness became my most acute sense, the majority of my buys require lengthy analysis before pulling the purchasing trigger. As example I offer the quest to buy my first TV, which spanned three years, involved visits to a pair of truly frightening KSL locations, and crescendoed with a bought-then-regretfully-returned big screen. The great accountant in the sky was pleased with my rigorous approach, or so I hoped. Jackie was not.
Enter Lord of the Rings Risk, a board game so beloved it ranks …. wait, really? 4,093rd on Board Game Geek?? Dang, internet nerds have not been kind to this game over the years.
Opinions from the board game Illuminati aside, when I saw this relic being sold for $20, it became an instant buy. Lord of the Rings Risk does not fall into the categories of want or need. This was a purchase of duty.
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Until I turned 17 there were only 5 board games on the earth: Risk, Monopoly, Clue, Mouse Trap, and the criminally underrated 13 Dead End Drive. In the year of our Lord 2004 this belief was shattered at the hands of Landon Squire. He invited myself, Bunna Veth, and Nathan Ballard to his lakeside cabin in Bear Lake to play board games. This seemed to me a decent, if not remarkable way to spend Spring Break of my senior year. I’d rather go swimming at the lake, or duel in Tony Hawk, or admire Landon’s Sim City metropolis, but at the very least no girls would be involved. I didn’t need that sweat.
The last girl we'd see besides Mother Squire was Rebecca Bunkall, who dutifully attended our pre-trip Tennis match at the Granger courts. I don’t remember the teams for this match, nor the winning score, but I imagine in my selfishness I pursued Bunna because he was good. What I do remember is Rebecca wishing us safe departure and safer return, by uttering the line that all 90s parents offered their young at our age.
Said she: “Remember who you are.”
Who was I? I didn’t know. Nor did I imagine the events of that weekend would play an outsized role in who I'd become, planting the seed for a bizzaro hobby that would sprout 16 years down the road.
As far as traveling was concerned, Bunna and I walked to school so yeah it’s no surprise we relied on Nathan to drive us to the lake. Hence Landon provided the locale, Nathan provided the transportation, while Bunna and I provided ... the diversity? Then again maybe Bunna was invited as a thank you for his role in guilting the Squire parents into buying Landon a new TV. Or maybe I was invited because Landon still felt bad about the time he left us at his house after a sleepover and Bunna and I had to walk home with sleeping bags in hand, like a pair of homeless but with great hair.
The ride started with a question from Nathan: “Do you like cake?”
Bunna and I nodded; we liked cake. We especially liked eating cake on long drives, and in high school a 150 minute drive was everlasting. Like puppies at the chow bowl we waited for the cake. No cake arrived. I looked at Bunna. He looked at me. Perhaps Nathan was waiting for us to hit the freeway before passing us the goods?
Finally Bunna's patience evaporated.
Bunna: "Where’s the cake?"
Nathan: "This is cake."
Bunna: "What is cake? There is no cake."
Spencer: "I don’t have cake."
Bunna: "I know you don’t have cake, I’m sitting next to you."
Landon: "Cake is a band."
Bunna and Spencer: "Ahhhhhhhhh"
You might think I’m making this part of the story up but the first CD I ever owned – I swear this is no joke – was the Lord of the Rings: Two Towers soundtrack. To confirm the obvious, I did not know music. I grew up with sports talk radio as the background of my drives and sleeps. On 99% of the world's road trips my offerings would not have just been ignored, they'd have been left at home.
But for this particular group for this particular trip, a LOTR soundtrack was kismet. When the last song of Two Towers ran its course, 19 rounds of instrumental war and drama happily consumed, Landon popped in the Return of the King soundtrack. Why not? It's easy to remember how much Lord of the Rings dominated our high school zeitgeist. The stories fall out of my brain unprompted: the time we tried to watch all three of the extended versions of the movie back-to-back-to-back. Waiting for 2 hours of dial-up to load this trailer. Playing cards while waiting in line for midnight showings. My outrage after Chicago -- Chicago!!! -- beat Two Towers for the 2003 Best Picture Oscar. Pearspn spoiling the third book (“I didn’t spoil anything, I just said how mad I was that no one important dies”). The torturous wait for this video game. And lest we forget what brings us here today, Lord of the Rings Risk
And yet my baptism into the Lord of the Rings faith was not immediate; rather I followed the Saul turned Paul approach. When I saw the previews for Fellowship of the Ring I scoffed; how is a show about walking interesting? I had a bumbling start with Harry Potter too, a book about a "wizard who needed glasses" which seemed so dumb, and even more dumb given the two preachers espousing its virtues happened to be my Spanish teacher and Bunna’s sister. Fortunately the person who invited me to see LOTR held more clout. Cousin Clint offered to pay my way on the last Saturday before Christmas break and me oh my it seems unlikely that any movie experience will ever sweep me off my feet so unexpectedly again. By the time the sequel came out I had absorbed the books and made plans for the first midnight showing of my life.
All of this I share so you'll understand when we arrived at the cabin we had to wait for The Lighting of the Beacons to conclude before we unpacked the snacks (few), the games (fewer), and our possessions (fewest). Landon then introduced us to Settlers of Catan and frankly the next 72 hours could have been that game if I controlled the itinerary. But Mother Squire wanted us to experience non-nerd stimulation, so our days evolved into an our turn-her turn type of dance, unfortunately very much like the Jazz's current offense.
This is how it went:
- Landon introduces us to Settlers
- Mother Squire challenges us to drop stuff into a cup from the loft
- Landon has us play Settlers again
- Mother Squire sends us outside to touch the grass
- Landon has us play Settlers outside hoping to trick Mother Squire into thinking we're enjoying the outdoors
- Mother Squire is not tricked and challenges us to play Frisbee
- Landon has us set up LOTR Risk in the loft
- Mother Squire interrupts us to go to the penny candy store
Please note bullet 7 says "set up" Risk, not played Risk. We wasted a good 80 minutes arguing about teams, debating who got to be the fellowship, claiming territories, deploying armies -- was it sexier to have 10 armies broken down into two trolls or one Nazgul? -- and plotting strategy.
All that and we didn't roll a single die before we were whisked off to the penny candy store. Though I will confess of the non-gaming events planned for our trip, this was one I could get behind. Candy for a penny you say? Don't mind if I do. The store owner did though. We pulled up and that shop rejected us as forcefully as the time Taylorsville bageled our entire tennis team.
With tails between legs we returned to the loft and our perfectly laid out game board. What happened next was the most memorable moment of my blossoming gaming career.
The very first turn of the game belonged to Bunna, and on this occasion Bunna was feeling very Bunna-ish. I'd known Bunna for about 11 years at this point, and could recognize the twinkle in his eye when he sensed fate bending to his will, when he knew he could skip studying and still ace a test, or pull off a win in Smash Brothers despite having 2 stocks fewer than the opponent. I'd seen it happen over and over throughout the years. So when Bunna won his initial battle in a rout, and then his second in an even greater rout, I just nodded along while he outlined a path to win the game on the very first turn.
How is this possible? Lord of the Rings Risk is somewhat different than normal Risk. It provides an instant win condition for the evil players if they
1) take over a territory where the ring of power is located and
2) roll double sixes, which captures the ring for Sauron
At the beginning of the game the ring of power starts in The Shire, and as you'd expect, the evil forces start primarily near Mordor, thus the idea of moving orcs all the way to the Hobbit hometown in one turn is a bit farfetched. Spoiler alert: it is possible!
To do so requires a circuitous path, a tremendous amount of luck, and will string out your forces so thinly that you're basically guaranteed to lose. And that's the best case scenario before even factoring in the 2.8% chance of rolling double sixes if you even get there. By the way, here's the path you have to take:
It's suicidal to try this.
Unless you're feeling Bunna-ish.
As you've inferred by now, he pulled it off. He waltzed through four territories of opposing troops, casually rolled two dice and when they both showed six pips the eruption was enough to make Mother Squire admit playing board games pumped more blood through our hearts than she realized.
We played again that trip, using the exact same set up because why put a virtually untouched board state to waste? I recall nothing of that second match, except that Bunna agreed not to pursue his kamikaze strategy again. He didn't need to be convinced. Bunna understood, as all true gamers do, that the magic of gaming isn't in the winning, but in those unrepeatable moments of hilarity or daring or luck gone bad that sends the table into uproar.
Lord of the Rings Risk delivered the first such moment of my life, and the snowball of memories continues to grow as my collection expands. These games have paid dividends in the form of Anna callously burning down a school of feral children in Dead of Winter; in Karlie nearly browning her pants during a stressful game of Captain Sonar; in Dawnold trying and failing to hold in laughter when Anna scored only 2 points in Mission Red Planet; in an amazing inability to remember anything when listening to Witness whispers;
in Jackie nearly coming to blows with Karlie over a Ticket to Ride screw job; in Scott Warr applauding my devil work when cheating at Scum; in my eye twitching during a 7 Wonders explanation to the troops; in Gma eating a toenail-laden snickers during Canasta; in Nathan performing the Scottsman in the face of Provo-ites during a romping victory of Nerts; in admiring the headache that Twilight Struggle's web of decisions instantly gave Jackie and me; in cousin Jackson stranding refugees in the garbage in Arctic Scavengers;
in Jackie and Anna's witchcraft connection in Deception Hong Kong; in Dawnold getting 27 penalties in one round of Pit Crew; in Gma protecting Sherriff Karlie in Bang despite being an outlaw; in KC cracking mine and Bunna's kindergarten code immediately in Turtle; in Clareese betraying Jackie and me in Pandemic Season 1; in Dawnold detonating hers and Jackie's score in Spades after an instant shoot-the-moon disaster; in some idiot getting Big League Chew stuck in his armpit during Settlers of Catan; in some bigger idiot chewing that hairy gum for $20.
So anyway I'm a gamer now. Thank you Landon for introducing me and please know I don't blame you one bit for turning me into someone who could spend ** EYES BULGE OUT OF SKULL** whooooa I had no idea I spent that much on games, never mind, I take back my thanks, please don't tell my wife, Landon I hate you.
I know the odds of ever playing LOTR Risk is minimal. And that's OK. I understand the oath of gamers is to never buy a game that won't make it to the table, but exceptions have to be made every once in a while. And sure, the chances of me getting together with Nathan and Landon and Bunna again with enough time to set up and execute an epic like LOTR Risk, when we live in different states, when we have kids, when we have jobs, seems impossible.
Nathan: "This is cake."
Bunna: "What is cake? There is no cake."
Spencer: "I don’t have cake."
Bunna: "I know you don’t have cake, I’m sitting next to you."
Landon: "Cake is a band."
Bunna and Spencer: "Ahhhhhhhhh"
You might think I’m making this part of the story up but the first CD I ever owned – I swear this is no joke – was the Lord of the Rings: Two Towers soundtrack. To confirm the obvious, I did not know music. I grew up with sports talk radio as the background of my drives and sleeps. On 99% of the world's road trips my offerings would not have just been ignored, they'd have been left at home.
But for this particular group for this particular trip, a LOTR soundtrack was kismet. When the last song of Two Towers ran its course, 19 rounds of instrumental war and drama happily consumed, Landon popped in the Return of the King soundtrack. Why not? It's easy to remember how much Lord of the Rings dominated our high school zeitgeist. The stories fall out of my brain unprompted: the time we tried to watch all three of the extended versions of the movie back-to-back-to-back. Waiting for 2 hours of dial-up to load this trailer. Playing cards while waiting in line for midnight showings. My outrage after Chicago -- Chicago!!! -- beat Two Towers for the 2003 Best Picture Oscar. Pearspn spoiling the third book (“I didn’t spoil anything, I just said how mad I was that no one important dies”). The torturous wait for this video game. And lest we forget what brings us here today, Lord of the Rings Risk
And yet my baptism into the Lord of the Rings faith was not immediate; rather I followed the Saul turned Paul approach. When I saw the previews for Fellowship of the Ring I scoffed; how is a show about walking interesting? I had a bumbling start with Harry Potter too, a book about a "wizard who needed glasses" which seemed so dumb, and even more dumb given the two preachers espousing its virtues happened to be my Spanish teacher and Bunna’s sister. Fortunately the person who invited me to see LOTR held more clout. Cousin Clint offered to pay my way on the last Saturday before Christmas break and me oh my it seems unlikely that any movie experience will ever sweep me off my feet so unexpectedly again. By the time the sequel came out I had absorbed the books and made plans for the first midnight showing of my life.
All of this I share so you'll understand when we arrived at the cabin we had to wait for The Lighting of the Beacons to conclude before we unpacked the snacks (few), the games (fewer), and our possessions (fewest). Landon then introduced us to Settlers of Catan and frankly the next 72 hours could have been that game if I controlled the itinerary. But Mother Squire wanted us to experience non-nerd stimulation, so our days evolved into an our turn-her turn type of dance, unfortunately very much like the Jazz's current offense.
This is how it went:
- Landon introduces us to Settlers
- Mother Squire challenges us to drop stuff into a cup from the loft
- Landon has us play Settlers again
- Mother Squire sends us outside to touch the grass
- Landon has us play Settlers outside hoping to trick Mother Squire into thinking we're enjoying the outdoors
- Mother Squire is not tricked and challenges us to play Frisbee
- Landon has us set up LOTR Risk in the loft
- Mother Squire interrupts us to go to the penny candy store
Please note bullet 7 says "set up" Risk, not played Risk. We wasted a good 80 minutes arguing about teams, debating who got to be the fellowship, claiming territories, deploying armies -- was it sexier to have 10 armies broken down into two trolls or one Nazgul? -- and plotting strategy.
All that and we didn't roll a single die before we were whisked off to the penny candy store. Though I will confess of the non-gaming events planned for our trip, this was one I could get behind. Candy for a penny you say? Don't mind if I do. The store owner did though. We pulled up and that shop rejected us as forcefully as the time Taylorsville bageled our entire tennis team.
With tails between legs we returned to the loft and our perfectly laid out game board. What happened next was the most memorable moment of my blossoming gaming career.
The very first turn of the game belonged to Bunna, and on this occasion Bunna was feeling very Bunna-ish. I'd known Bunna for about 11 years at this point, and could recognize the twinkle in his eye when he sensed fate bending to his will, when he knew he could skip studying and still ace a test, or pull off a win in Smash Brothers despite having 2 stocks fewer than the opponent. I'd seen it happen over and over throughout the years. So when Bunna won his initial battle in a rout, and then his second in an even greater rout, I just nodded along while he outlined a path to win the game on the very first turn.
How is this possible? Lord of the Rings Risk is somewhat different than normal Risk. It provides an instant win condition for the evil players if they
1) take over a territory where the ring of power is located and
2) roll double sixes, which captures the ring for Sauron
At the beginning of the game the ring of power starts in The Shire, and as you'd expect, the evil forces start primarily near Mordor, thus the idea of moving orcs all the way to the Hobbit hometown in one turn is a bit farfetched. Spoiler alert: it is possible!
To do so requires a circuitous path, a tremendous amount of luck, and will string out your forces so thinly that you're basically guaranteed to lose. And that's the best case scenario before even factoring in the 2.8% chance of rolling double sixes if you even get there. By the way, here's the path you have to take:
It's suicidal to try this.
Unless you're feeling Bunna-ish.
As you've inferred by now, he pulled it off. He waltzed through four territories of opposing troops, casually rolled two dice and when they both showed six pips the eruption was enough to make Mother Squire admit playing board games pumped more blood through our hearts than she realized.
We played again that trip, using the exact same set up because why put a virtually untouched board state to waste? I recall nothing of that second match, except that Bunna agreed not to pursue his kamikaze strategy again. He didn't need to be convinced. Bunna understood, as all true gamers do, that the magic of gaming isn't in the winning, but in those unrepeatable moments of hilarity or daring or luck gone bad that sends the table into uproar.
Lord of the Rings Risk delivered the first such moment of my life, and the snowball of memories continues to grow as my collection expands. These games have paid dividends in the form of Anna callously burning down a school of feral children in Dead of Winter; in Karlie nearly browning her pants during a stressful game of Captain Sonar; in Dawnold trying and failing to hold in laughter when Anna scored only 2 points in Mission Red Planet; in an amazing inability to remember anything when listening to Witness whispers;
in Jackie nearly coming to blows with Karlie over a Ticket to Ride screw job; in Scott Warr applauding my devil work when cheating at Scum; in my eye twitching during a 7 Wonders explanation to the troops; in Gma eating a toenail-laden snickers during Canasta; in Nathan performing the Scottsman in the face of Provo-ites during a romping victory of Nerts; in admiring the headache that Twilight Struggle's web of decisions instantly gave Jackie and me; in cousin Jackson stranding refugees in the garbage in Arctic Scavengers;
in Jackie and Anna's witchcraft connection in Deception Hong Kong; in Dawnold getting 27 penalties in one round of Pit Crew; in Gma protecting Sherriff Karlie in Bang despite being an outlaw; in KC cracking mine and Bunna's kindergarten code immediately in Turtle; in Clareese betraying Jackie and me in Pandemic Season 1; in Dawnold detonating hers and Jackie's score in Spades after an instant shoot-the-moon disaster; in some idiot getting Big League Chew stuck in his armpit during Settlers of Catan; in some bigger idiot chewing that hairy gum for $20.
So anyway I'm a gamer now. Thank you Landon for introducing me and please know I don't blame you one bit for turning me into someone who could spend ** EYES BULGE OUT OF SKULL** whooooa I had no idea I spent that much on games, never mind, I take back my thanks, please don't tell my wife, Landon I hate you.
Erm, let me try that paragraph again. Thank you Landon for introducing me to games and please know I don't blame you one bit for turning me into someone willing to meet up with a random group of strangers on KSL just to play Twilight Imperium, which for the record is not better than the Lord of the Rings Risk. Ah, that went much better. Time to wrap up on a high note.
I know the odds of ever playing LOTR Risk is minimal. And that's OK. I understand the oath of gamers is to never buy a game that won't make it to the table, but exceptions have to be made every once in a while. And sure, the chances of me getting together with Nathan and Landon and Bunna again with enough time to set up and execute an epic like LOTR Risk, when we live in different states, when we have kids, when we have jobs, seems impossible.
But on the other hand, when it comes to this particular game, stranger things have happened.
What a memory blast this piece was! I recently had a similar board game experience to that LOTR one when my kid pulled off a three turn Candyland victory...
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