Like a 1-inch putt or eating an entire Little Caesars pizza on your own, the 2017 BIFF selection is easy. In fact so easy I wanted to take a bye this year but my associate Devon Smith asked for it and having turned the lad down for golf approximately /excel crashes/ I couldn't say no again. I'm not mad about it because the crowning of the Best Incoming Freshman Footballer is one of my favorite traditions. After dutifully patrolling Twitter and Cougarboard, investigating each film of practice in the name of Zapruder, and analyzing every coaches comment, I pick a few blades of grass, mash them in a bowl, and like Rafiki before me toss the remnants into the wind as I bestow the title of BIFF on my chosen Freshman.
Ah, who am I kidding? This prediction is usually based on useless indicators such as family pedigree, jersey number, hair, coolness of name, home state, high school, and most importantly, any and all random connections I manage to pull out of thin air. Relying on these non-predictive factors would explain how I once chose Mitch Payne for BIFF instead of (gulp) Harvey Unga. But hey I picked Collie back in '04 so shut up about 2007 already! Anywho, if you want to review prior predictions click below. Otherwise let's review the 2017 candidates.
2014 version
2015 version
2016 version
OL Mango Finau -- First up, weighing in at a svelte 355 pounds is a person whose first name is -- shocker -- a food. I jest, I jest. Keep on eating Mr. Finau, we want big linemen. FYI Mango isn't even the largest fellow on the team thanks to ...
DL Motekiai Langi -- I don't know what to say about this guy. You'd assume giants would be helpful on a football field, but Hagrid never played so who knows. Time will tell.
OL Kieffer Longson -- This player's hobbies include getting hit by cars and ruining my 2016 BIFF predictions (stupid redshirt). I still believe in you Longson.
LB Garrett England -- Doesn't this sound like the name of a preppy gentleman from Skyline? Also sounds like someone who is old, and wouldn't you know it Garrett's from the same recruiting class as Kai Nacua.
LB/DB Chaz Ah You -- Out of the blue we've had three consecutive recruiting classes with 4-star defensive backs (Chaz, Warner, Dayan). This bodes well for the future, but like most of these guys I just don't see Chaz playing enough this year to contend for BIFF.
QB Joe Critchlow --Reminds me of a MTC instructor I had named Brother Critchfield, who was unintentionally introduced to me by a person with a thick accent as 'Brudda Crotch-Feel'. This would have been the highlight of my MTC experience were it not for AJ Palmer's affinity for bearing his testimony to people in made up languages
OLB Isaiah Kaufusi -- I loved this guy's recruiting tape way back in 2014. Of course I also loved Pretty Little Liars back then. Things change. I hope Kaufusi's game hasn't.
WR Neil Pau'u -- Presenting my sister-in-law's wannabe boyfriend and my wannabe Cody Hoffman. Insane I know but if he's as good at WR as his brother is LB the comparison may not be that farfetched. I'd settle for a tougher version of Mitch Mathews though.
DL Khyiris Tonga -- It's been too long since Granger provided BYU with a player of consequence. I'm excited for Tonga because of his high school heritage and also because of his first name, which I'd like to shorten to Iris, which I'd further like to shorten to IRS, which I'd then like to translate into the nickname THE AUDITOR. I can already hear the call from Wrubell. "And with that tackle The Auditor adds another sack to his ledger!"
DL Lorenzo Fauatea -- This guy destroyed a priest from my ward twice in a high school game last season. What does that tell me about his future? Nothing really. But Lorenzo wears #49, a number first popularized in Cougar lore by old Brady Poppinga and as crazy as Poppinga may be now he was awesome back in the day. May the number translate to greatness once again, I so pray.
BB Ula Tolutau -- I hadn't seen the position designation BB until today when BYU's depth chart got released and Ula was listed as the starter at said spot. I assume given Ula's stout nature (read: 255 pounds) that BB stands for Big Bertha or Bowling Ball, both of which remind me of sports I enjoy in my spare time. Color me intrigued.
TE Bentley Hanshaw -- Legacy kid, football lifer, and made this delicious play. He's getting some hype and I'm believing. He'd probably be my pick were it not for ...
SG Donovan Mitchell -- Whoops, my bad. Wrong sport.
... were it not for ...
TE Matt Bushman
By now you've seen all the clips, you've read all the chatter, you knew before you clicked that this would be the 2017 BIFF. I'll add only two things. Number one, I haven't heard a guy get this much hype from so many different pundits since Collie returned from his mission. He might be BYU's third best offensive player already and I can't wait to see him take over.
Number two, I once experienced a college lecture that demands revisiting. The professor was not native to America, and to this day those who experienced the moment have not confirmed if the text of this slide was presented on purpose or not. The professor wanted to make a point that words in English sometimes carried different meaning, but something went awry. For her example she chose the word 'bush'. This is the slide.
This may not seem funny to you, and that might be because you weren't there, it might be because you didn't know that this professor was female and Chinese, and it might be because you're not 13. But this killed me. And still kills me. And to be honest I wasn't even there for it. This gift came via an engineering class and a buddy who showed me the slide in the aftermath, walking through in post-game level detail the deadpan delivery of the professor and the shocked reaction of the class who couldn't tell if she meant it as a joke or if she just copied and pasted something from the internet. According to the report she didn't even pause after delivery, just kept lecturing. Whether clueless or calculated, the moment was unforgettable.
So ... what does this have to do with Bushman? Ah yes I'm getting there. BYU has an upcoming recruit named Zadock Dinkleman which is just about the worst name you can imagine. I've proposed previously that were Zadock to scramble the letters of his name and re-arrange them Steve Rushin-style he could transform into a much cooler sounding Zack Kindle Damon. I bring it up because I want to suggest a similar, but much simpler treatment to Matt Bushman's name. The proposal? Moving the man in Bushman from the caboose to the engine, aka, turning mild mannered Matt Bushman into an intimidating, rallying, Matt Manbush!!!
Granted there are a couple of drawbacks. It's possible the national press might mistake him for a Game of Thrones character. And sure, the name may not exactly be honor code compliant, but who cares about those squares anyway? Think about it. Would you be scared to go up against a guy named Matt Bushman? Of course not. Matt Bushman sounds like the name of an upstanding individual, an insurance agent, and perhaps even a solid tight end, someone in the range of 600 yards and 5 touchdowns of action.
But Matt Manbush? That's a totally different story. Manbush is a guy who's destined to join the Harline's, Pitta's, and Hudson's of the world; a guy who will threaten a thousand yards receiving; a guy who will make opposing defenders feel small and inferior. Most importantly, Matt Manbush is the name of one who is worthy of the mantle of 2017 BIFF.
Spectacular....and so was the rest after you mentioned my name!
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