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November 17, 2015

Naming Convention

-- The search for baby names rolls on

Uncertainty remains king as the baby countdown approaches single digits. Of the many questions surrounding babies -- what do you do with a baby being the main mystery –  a related thought goes unsolved. How the heck do you name a kid?

Naming stuff is hard. Take stadiums for example. Naming rights for stadiums involve multi-million dollar contracts, lawyers, twitter outcry and these name aren’t even permanent! They change every decade or so. Giving title to a podcast required weeks of thought, multiple guests and in the end apparently was worthless because the name couldn't keep the pod alive. Had we named it something different -- say, I don't know,  Hairy Podder and the Prisoner of Idaho1 1. But nooooo, you wouldn't listen would you Nathan? -- maybe things would have been different. Branding a human ratchets the difficulty immeasurably; more than money and downloads are on the line. A destiny is at stake.

Thus to the tried and true method of Bill Simmons point assignment I turn to evaluate the candidates.

Note: Name score denotes my personal rank of the name in a vacuum, while the viability score takes into account external circumstances.

The Wildest Dreams: Names I love but Can’t Use

-- Brooklyn
Mine and Jackie's favorite girl name, bar none. Unfortunately I don't know that it’s kosher to name your child after an ex, even one as cool as Brooke.
Name Score: 100
Viability Score: 10

-- Parvati
A name that pays homage to two of mine and Jackie's favorite things: Harry Potter and Survivor. Not to mention the shortened name of 'Parv' just rolls off the tongue. Unfortunately, I don't think I can handle 30 years of being asked, "Why did you name your kid poverty?"
Name Score: 90
Viability Score: 0

The Alliterators

-- Hadley
This one first popped onto my naming radar when Preston Hadley proved that non-black cornerbacks could play halfway decent football. The name also reminds me of that incredibly hilarious time the U of U football office turned in Spencer Hadley (no relation) for partying in Vegas. Long live the rivalry.
Name Score: 75
Viability Score: 40 (I'm ignoring the fact that the majority of my exposure to the name Hadley is male related)

-- Hannah
Great Hannahs through history:
- Hanna Marin, smokeshow from PLL
- Hannah Davis, the soon-to-be Mrs. Derek Jeter

Terrible Hannahs through history:
- Hurricane Hanna, it was bad
- Hannah Storm, annoying basketball announcer

Name score: 65
Viability score: 0 (methinks I ought not name my child after physically attractive females)

Random Cities That Are Married to Sport Teams I Hate but Have Names I Like

-- Berkley
Despite espousing one of many PAC-12 universities that hate the practices of the Mormon Church and refuse to allow its football team entrance into the club, I just like this name. A two-syllable simpleton with potential for great nicknames: Berk (like Berg before it) and Berkle (like the nerdy guy from the TV show. "Did I doooooo that?")
Name score: 85
Viability score: 40

-- Boston
On second thought, I don’t like this name that much. It’s trying too hard. I think what happened here is I liked working at Hillcrest and there was a Boston who worked there and ... yeah I tricked myself into this one. My apologies.
Name score: 5
Viability score: 0

TV Show Heroes

-- Rachel
Gal pal Rachel Greene, one of my favorite characters of all TV. I’d like to think a world will one day exist where my daughter Rachel is my pal, at least until she turns 12 or whatever the age of death is. Alas, my wife hates the name.
Name score: 90
Viability score: 0

-- Buffy
Spoiler alert, Buffy doesn’t bring top marks in the viability department. And while I like the girl plenty, I’m not so sure I even like the name that much. No rhyming potential, no nickname potential ... it is easy to spell and sounds cool, I'll give it that.
Name score: 25
Viability score: 0

-- Summer
I’m generally averse to designating someone as a season, but when it comes to The OC I don't always act the smartest. While the name Summer is weird on its own, the obvious nickname Summ isn’t half bad, and even makes you think of the mathematic command to add! Cool huh!
Name score: 50
Viability score: 15

The Frontrunners

-- Kate
One great thing about Kate is that it doesn’t end in the ‘ee’ sound that dominates so many girl names. And that’s about it, I guess.
Name score: 40
Viability score: 70

-- Ellie
My wife’s favorite name by a mile, and although not near my personal pantheon, I do enjoy that this name throws tribute to two incredible things.

1) My old TV friend Chuck
2) My new video game friend The Last of Us

Amazingly, if we end up having a boy named Drake (a likely possibility given that Drake is the best offering from the terrible list my wife has for boys) and a daughter deemed Ellie our two kids would serve as reminders of the greatest products Naughty Dog and the gaming industry at large ever did produce. That alone makes up for the fact that Ellie has zero nickname potential and rhymes with terrible things like smelly, jelly and belly.
Name Score: 40
Viability score: 100

1 comment:

  1. This is great. I checked the blog because I knew this week was probably a tough one for you, with coach uncertainty, but I was thrilled to find a non-football topic on here instead. You're cool, dude. and I'm saddened by the death of the podcast.