Dump and Dumper

On my third day of work I cut a sprinkler in half with my lawnmower. That mistake led to a geyser which led to a Hansen-made lake which led to my boss asking me this question:

"Stabbed or beaten?"

I opted to be beaten, hoping that in his old age my boss would run out of strength and therefore not kill me. Then I considered the pros of being stabbed, thinking that a quick and easy death might be better than living through a potentially paralyzing pummeling. In the end I never decided which route would be less painful, but the intense thinking led me to ponder a similar question. When a relationship ends which is worse: being dumped, or doing the dumping?

I've been dumped once and have twice been the dumper (thrice the dumper if you count more than one dump on the same girl). None of the experiences were enjoyable. Let's examine the occurences in chronological order*.

Spencer the Dumpee (Summer 2003)
I was in love with a girl. We went on a couple of dates. She taught me how to hold hands in the correct fashion. One day I called her. She didn't answer.I left a message. She didn't call back. I called another day. No answer, no call back. I called again. No response.

So I cried.

Spencer the Dumper Round I (March 2007, Oct 2007)
I was in love with a girl. We went on a couple of dates. She taught me how to be less awkward. After time I knew I needed to dump her, but didn't know how to do it .One day she called me. It happened. The conversation was not good.

So she cried.

Spencer the Dumper Round II (July 2008)
I was in love with a girl. We went on a couple of dates. She taught me that large lips are a prized possesion. We had planned on having a mutual dump eventually, but didn't know when. One day she called me. It happened.The conversation was not good.

So we cried.

Analysis

As a dumpee I suffered. Its tough for a man of my manliness to admit it, but I felt like a loser. Not good enough. Face too hairy. Teeth too crooked. Muscles too small. Being a dumpee, I learned, equals no good.

As a dumper I suffered. Those who have only been dumped may believe that the dumpee suffers exclusively, but such is not the case. As a dumper I suffereded because I wasn't sure that I had made the right choice in doing the dumping. I suffered because I felt bad that I had hurt the other person. I suffered because I knew that dumping the relationship dumped our friendship as well. Being a dumper, I learned, equals no good.

So which side is worse? My current opinion is that both positions are equally awful. You may disagree. Even I'm not too sure. But if you do happen to currently be a dumper or a dumpee, look on the bright side and realize things could be worse.

You could be a groom.