The Quest for Manhood

I've never been in a fight before.

Could be that I'm a wuss.
Or could be that I'm a master of public relations.

Could be cause my grandma has bigger muscles than me.
Or could be due to growing up with a Ghandi disciple (Bunna Veth) as my best friend.

You can decide why I've never fought, cause I can't figure it out. All I know is that someday I will need to become a man, and in order to become a man I'm required to beat up another man (see Boy Scout Handbook, pg. 313).

So naturally I obtained a punching bag.

The bag serves two purposes:

Purpose 1 - (The obvious reason) To learn to fight.

I foresee four possibilities in which I might be forced to throw fists at someone.

Scenario a) Attending the BYU-Utah football game, I'm attacked by a drunk Ute fan.

Scenario b) Attending the BYU-USU football game, I'm attacked by a sober Aggie fan (they don't need booze to lose their minds in Logan)

Scenario c) Working at Hillcrest's After School Club, I'm attacked by a crazed parent because I high-fived their child (parents don't like their kids being touched by terrorist look-a-likes).

Scenario d) I meet Pau Gasol.

A fist to the face could only improve your appearance, Pau.

Purpose 2 - (The less obvious reason for the punching bag) To find my dream girl. 

Allow for explanation. I recently realized that I'm attracted to girls that can knock people out (Buffy, Agent Walker for example; see Up Chuck for further detail). By having a punching bag, I can now bring dates to the house and get a taste of how good they'd be at clobbering someone. A try out of sorts to see if they can become the new girls of my dreams. Prince Charming knew Cinderella by the shoe that fit - I'll know my girl by the one who best hits. 

Which reminds me, uh, Maddie Cloward, I was, uh, just wondering if you wanted to maybe come see the new house sometime,  you know, just to check it out is all ...

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. The best thing about the punching bag is that it doesn't matter which of these two purposes actually gets fulfilled. I could beat up a guy or get a girl, it doesn't matter which - either way I'll end up a man.