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January 4, 2009

Monday at its Finest

What do the LDS church, the National Football League, comic strip legend Garfield, and Spencer Hansen have in common?

We all hate Monday.

During my youth I never put much stock in the myth that Monday was a day set on destroying peoples happiness. I always disliked Monday of course, but that was due to the fact that I disliked all days that included school. As I grew older I almost arrived to a point where I felt that Mondays were acceptable.

Until yesterday*.

It was 5:40 in the morning. The phone rang. Nathan Ballard spoke.

"Hey, I can't drive today. Can you pick me up for work?"That was the first bad thing to happen. I hate driving. Especially at 5:40 in the morning. Especially when I have to leave so fast that I don't have time to finish my cereal or brush my teeth (work started at 6:00).Those were the second and third bad things to happen. I hadn't even left the house and Monday had punched me in the face three times. Once at work I was sent to mow the greens. Naturally my mower was on the fritz, so I had to abandon my Jacobsen 5000 for the reserve mower.

Sidenote: There's a reason the Toro Greensmaster 1100 is a reserve mower.

Among other deficiencies, the machine has no brakes. Despite the troubles of the Toro-mobile, I was looking forward to being at one with the early morn, watching the sun rise, paving the checkerboard pattern onto the green. What I wasn't looking forward to were gnats, golfers, and cloudy weather. All three made an appearance on this dreaded Monday. If you believe that waiting 30 minutes for golfers to putt is torturous, try it with 10,000 gnats trying to build a hive in your nose.

Monday followed me to the third hole. Golfers were on the green of course, taking 50 minutes to line up each putt, so I parked the Toro on top of a surrounding hill and began the wait.

Sidenote: Please recall the main deficiency of the Toro.

Once Tiger Woods put the ball in the hole on his fifth putt, I hopped off the mower and requested that the golfers leave the flag out so I could mow over the cup. They responed to my request with the following words."Watch out!!"

I blame Nathan for what happened next. Having watched a couple seasons of Smallville with him during the Summer must have left me with a Superman complex, for as the Toro crashed down the hill towards me, I stuck out my feeble hand in an effort to stop it.

Sidenote: A person's hand cannot stop a 200 pound machine crashing down a dew-laden hill with a 62 degree slope.

Let's recap. I had only been awake for an hour and a half and I had already had my breakfast interupted, didn't get a chance to brush my teeth, had gnats go in my nose, and been ran over by my own mower. Could Monday treat me any worse? Suprisingly, the answer is no. It didn't need to be any worse. My mood had been substantially poisoned. Monday could take the rest of the day off and rest up for next week's appearance.

What can be done to stop the madness which is Monday? There have been various attempts with few successes. The first recorded efforts that show an assault on Monday came from LDS Church President Joseph F. Smith, who in 1915 called for family members to gather and stow away in their homes on Monday nights in order to limit the chance of bad things happening to them. This practice later grew to include making treats and playing games and was named Family Home Evening. In 1964 the NFL decided they could improve monday by dedicating one game a week to be played on the day. Meanwhile, Garfield creator Jim Davis has been including subliminal messages against Monday in his cartoons for years.

Today, the first Monday of 2009, is the worst Monday of the entire year. It represents the return to school, the return to work, the death of the Christmas spirit, and the end of college football. Do not let this Monday take away your happiness. My suggestion to you for this day is to barricade yourself in your house, watch as much football as you can, eat treats, play games, avoid work, and read comics.

Sidenote: Best of luck to you.


  1. *Until Yesterday.

    The incidents that occured on the golf course occured during a fateful Monday during the heated month of July 2008.

  2. haha... I love it. You are such an incredible writer