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July 24, 2008

Thanks, Lord Voldemort

Lord Voldemort was a wise man. That's why I followed his lead with the horcruxes. I figure that a man needs as many lives as he can get when he lives in West Valley. I started quicker than Voldemort did - I invested part of my soul in an object after being alive for only 10 days.

Too bad I didn't know it until 20 years later.


I was in the driest desert in the world when I first realized what my horcrux was.I lived the missionary life, and at the time of my realization I was in the thick of a pre-sleep conversation with my companion.

"Are you looking forward to dreaming of your girl tonight?" I asked him.
"I prefer to refer to her as Ashley, not as girl," my companion replied.
"And your girls name," he asked."what is it?"

I thought for a second; my girl? Who was the love that required all my thought, attention, and devotion? What was her name? Sure, I had dated some members of the female population and I had enjoyed it. But a girl meant someone I dreamed about daily, someone I would do anything to be with, someone I would be willing to sacrifice anything for. With that in mind the answer came to me. "The name of my girl," I replied, "is the BYU Football team." My friend laughed, but I then knew: I didn't just think blue, breathe blue, or even bleed blue - I pood blue too.

My companion told me that I was weird. I agreed. But it's not my fault that I think about the Cougs more than girls. Or that I cry when Utah beats BYU. I didn't take myself to Cougar stadium when I was 10 days old. My parents did. We went to see the fireworks, but the real show came when my soul split in two; one half stuck to me and the other half set up camp on the football field. Thus, thanks to loving parents, part of my well-being is connected to the state of the BYU football team. When their play stinks, my life stinks. When a player is injured, I feel pain. Victory on the field equals victory in my life. Is it cooincidence that when BYU lost 7 games in 2004 and finished 6th in the MWC my G.P.A was 3.01 and my income was nothing per month? Or that during BYU's 11-2 conference championship season last year I placed two 4.0's and made $400 per month?

Truly, the Cougars are my horcrux; the other half of my soul.
Just don't tell any of the people who are trying to kill me.


  1. I've never commented on a blog, but this deserves a standing ovation. Writing at it's finest...

  2. i am very proud to call you my big brother. this is truly a very fine piece of writing. Amazing... now when i get my first blog'll have to comment me to... Great job spep!