The Price is Right

Oh, Jennifer, if you only knew. I'm here you know. You don't have to keep struggling in search of your true love. I could've told you Brad Pitt was a waste. Benjamin Button? Are you kidding me? By the way my facial hair looks nothing like his, if that helps my cause at all (see photo). As for Angelina, I never liked her to begin with. She made a lousy Tomb-Raider. But enough about that. I heard you dated a Mormon once? Care to give another member of the LDS faithful a chance? Not so much?

Room for a fourth in this triangle?

Granted religion isn't our only obstacle- you also have no idea who I am. And that's only the first problem. Even if you knew who I was, you wouldn't consider me good enough for you. Don't worry, I'm not mad about it. Such a judgment would be accurate. I understand that me and you are, uh, on different levels.

You snog, I blog.
You attract mates, I repel dates.
Your body is stacked, my temple is cracked.

In fact about the only thing we have in common is we both think Ross Gellar is cool.

And this, more or less, is the real problem that mate-seekers encounter while in search of their dream boy or girl. It's that they are better than us. There's a reason  that this person is deemed "dreamy" after all. A definition of the word 'dream' is presented for your convenience.

dream (dreem): 8. something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence.

It's no easy task for a male of normal nature to claim a woman of unreal excellence or beauty. Yet thanks to the teachings of the business world it can be done. We studied the fraud approach in an earlier post; this time we will look to the stock market as our guide.

The most basic idea of stock investing is that you want to buy a company that will bring you great returns over time. The Googles and Apples of the world are prime examples of such dream stocks. Problem is that everyone knows these companies are awesome, the desire to own them is fierce, and as a result the price to acquire them is astronomical. Such is the case with dream girls. The male population knows these girls are extraordinary, and as a result the cost to invest in one is rather steep. The price tag may call for a six-pack, Bob Costas' hair, the wit of Mr. Colbert or maybe just actual money (girls respect the large wallet).

Thus the dilemma. We all want to own great girls/companies, but often lack the resources needed to acquire them. But don't become celibate just yet. The stock market provides reason for hope. The key is to buy low when companies are being undervalued. There are two conditions under which a normally high priced stock can be found at a bargain level.

Bargain Option #1
Buy the company before it realizes its potential.

Investing in a piece of Google today requires $603. But if you had invested in Google on August 30, 2004 it would have cost you a mere $100 per share. Hence if you had hopped on Google before it became fully developed you may have actually had a shot at affording the company. With women, or in this case, young women, the same approach holds true. Move in before they make it big and even the poorest of blokes might have a shot at the girl. Of course this path involves a hoard of hurdles: your friends will think you're a creep, forecasting the future is hard (who'd have thought young Demi Moore would turn into a babe?), and of course the law frowns upon it. The author decries the youngling approach as well (by decry, I mean attempted and failed) so if you want further advice on the "locate minors" strategy you'll have to look to the guidance of my dating guru Dallin Webb.

Bargain Option #2
Buy the company when it is depressed

This option isn't just the more honorable of the two, it's the easier to take advantage of as well. Changes in management, poor economic conditions, the arrival of new competitors -- all of these factors can lead to a decrease in the cost of a stock. In November of 2008 Apple's stock price had dropped to $82. Was it because the company had a flaw? Were iPods suddenly not cool? Nope, the economy had just passed away and all companies were down. Had you pounced on Apple in its depressed state you could have owned a stock that trades today at $324 for one-third that price. The question then becomes a matter of identifying when beautiful women are depressed and thus more easily obtained. After much thought and discussion, these appear to be the four most depressing times for single women.

1) After being dumped
Following a break up is perhaps the best time to take advantage of a buy low opportunity. Normally confident girls are rendered swagger-less, emotion clouds their processors, leaving you the average man an actual chance at success.

2) During the holiday season
Loneliness seems to creep up during the holidays. Why this is, no one knows. I guess giving a Christmas or Valentine's gift to only yourself isn't very fun. Strange. I like giving myself presents.

3) When the best friend gets married
First off, weddings in general provide a great host of women who may be willing to lower their expectations of a mate due to overactive desires. When it's the best friend who is being wed, however, the expectation drop is magnified ten fold. Not only is the girl naturally desirous, she's afraid she'll be alone due to the loss of her best friend. Perfect time to make a move.

4) Following personal or family tragedy
This one isn't fun to talk about, but it's a viable option nonetheless. Deaths in the family, job losses, house burns down - these are the times when a girl is in need of comfort. The target's usual dream guy traits fail to apply at this point. Any man willing to listen and pat a shoulder will suffice.

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Act wisely my fellow investors. If followed correctly these principles will lead to an attractive  and profitable portfolio. Be patient, wait for the right moment and make your move. Buy low if the price is right and if the girl turns out to be overvalued, well, you know what to do: sell high.

As for you Jennifer, if you ever decide to look me up sometime, you can find me at the funeral home.

I'll be the one cruising for chicks.

Catching 22

(Disclaimer - Yes, another blog about BYU football. I can't help myself. Unless you love the Cougs as much as I do, you might want to consider skipping this one)

By any account, it was an insane thing to do. Turn down a scholarship from Boise State and Cal in order to pay to walk on at BYU? The Boise State rejection I can kind of understand, because, well, not many people want to live in Idaho. But who would turn down a chance to play for free in sunny California, an hour away from Newport Beach? Who would dump that opportunity so they could pay their own way to walk on in Provo?

The man in question is named Andrew Rich, but you might know him better as the best safety to play for BYU in some 20 years. He doesn't graduate with the full compliment of records or awards to prove it, but if his coach's words mean anything, Rich goes down as one of the all-time great Cougar defenders.

"Until Andrew Rich, the best other safeties I ever coached were Brian Urlacher (6 time NFL pro-bowler) and Aaron Francisco (current Indianapolis Colt). Andrew Rich is in that same trio now. Each have unique characteristics, but no one is tougher than Andrew, there's no one that is more committed. He just is an amazing leader and he cares so much. He's exactly what we want from a BYU football player. How he plays, how he conducts himself, who he is; I'll use him as an example from this point forward as long as I'm here at BYU. I'll ask my coaches, ‘does he play like Andrew Rich?'"

For those who may not know...

Playing like Andrew Rich means making a game-winning interception against UNLV in your defensive debut. It includes causing a game-changing fumble against Oklahoma in BYU's biggest win in some 19 years. It requires playing in every game of your career, despite injuries requiring ankle and shoulder surgery, not to mention an ailment your trainer describes as a "full body contusion". It means leading the team in tackles, interceptions and highlight hits not only as a senior but as a junior as well. It means you will cry in your final home game, the emotion of ending your career will be so heavy.

The list of big plays contributed by Rich could continue of course: a decapitation of Ute receiver Brandon Godfrey in 2008; a blocked field goal against New Mexico in 2009; a giant interception return against Utah in 2009; two picks against the Lobos in his final home game as a Cougar; two more intercepts against UTEP in his career finale.

Strangely, Rich's most impressive feat may have occurred this last year during BYU's worst season in which Rich played. Five games into the season BYU's defense ranked 120th in run defense. In case you were wondering, yes 120th is last in the entire nation - the absolute worst. That's what makes the ensuing turn around so very unbelievable. Bronco Mendenhall took over the defensive coaching duties, and Andrew Rich took over the defensive dominating duties. As defensive captain he inspired the team to a new level of play, erasing the losses of fellow stars Jordan Pendleton and Romney Fuga who were out for the season to injury. The result? Over the last seven games BYU's run defense has been among the top three in the nation. From worst to first in seven games. Sounds like a book title, but it's just another example of the contributions of one Andrew Rich.

“He has a passion for Brigham Young and how we are running the program, and that makes him a step or two faster, makes him hit a little bit harder, makes him be more consistent,” Mendenhall said. 

Why was Andrew Rich such a hard hitter? Because he liked ice cream of course.

Which is why it's so surprising that when Rich graduated high school, none of the BYU recruiters were able to see it.

"To show you how smart I am, I rejected him twice — once out of high school and once out of junior college because I didn't think he was fast enough or big enough," the coach said. "And sure enough, he ends up coming to BYU as a walk-on player, earns a scholarship, becomes an all-conference performer and is a team leader.” 

It's alright coach, we all make mistakes; I ate grass once. At least things worked themselves out in the end, for both of us. And things worked out well for Rich too, of course. 

"This experience has been everything to me," Rich said. "It's a dream come true to be out there. I couldn't be more happy to be a BYU Cougar. And I will continue to be until I die."

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In his final game in Provo Rich intercepted a New Mexico pass and returned it to within one yard of the endzone, where he was finally caught and brought down by a Lobo player. 

It was an ironic end to his last home game. You see, from here on out every BYU defensive player will be trying to match Rich and what he did in his three years as a Cougar. But it's unlikely that any of them will ever catch number twenty-two.

Disgracing the Name of Kramer

What is the most common belief among males ages 8 to 88? Is it that girls are preferred, that fast cars equal happiness, or that small pizza's are a punishment? No, the one thing men most readily agree on is that the BCS sucks.

Big time.

Yes, we all hate the BCS. We hate that it doesn't give a true national champion, that it keeps college football's revenue all in one place, that it protects the Goliath's from the David's. Yet beyond all that there are two relatively unknown reasons why you should hate the BCS even more.

Stunning Idiotic Move by the BCS #1

The year was 1999 and three teams were vying to make the national championship game. Two of the three teams were undefeated, while the other had lost one game. Due to the insane calculations of the BCS -- a system that relied on lunar cycles in evaluating teams -- the squad with one loss was projected to end up in the title game, while one of the undefeated teams would be left out. BCS father Roy Kramer (no relation whatsoever to Cosmo), knowing that his creation would be criticized if a one-loss team made it to the championship game over an undefeated counterpart, decided to tweak the BCS computer formula. During the middle of the season he downgraded the strength of schedule element to ensure that the team with one loss wouldn't advance over either of the two undefeated teams to the title game.

Now, the way the season ended is irrelevant. The fact that needs water to be swallowed is Roy Kramer altered the process by which two teams are picked for the national championship, and most importantly, he did it during the middle of the season (Note: this is the first time I've underlined anything I've ever posted).

Imagine you're playing a game of poker. You're dealt crap cards, but are desperate for a victory. What are your options? Well, if you're Roy Kramer, you simply change the rules mid-game. You inform your playing mates that the cards you were just dealt now constitute a royal flush. Why not? The BCS founder changed the rules to suit his purposes, why can't you?

Of course you couldn't get away with this strategy if it was in your basement, with some old friends, with a measly 10 bucks on the line. So how did Kramer get away with it on a national stage, with over 13 million dollars on the line?  Probably the same way the BCS managed to screw over BYU.

Stunning Idiotic Move by the BCS #2

In 2001, BYU's football squad was ranked sixth in the country and was 12-0 with one game left to be played. An undefeated season looked likely, and with it a potential shot at a prestigious BCS bowl game. However, the Monday before their final game, BYU received an important letter from the BCS cartel.

Dear BYU Football Team:

Hey, we know you're only one of two teams that hasn't lost this year, and we know that games are still being played and things could change and all that but hey we still don't think you're good enough to play in one of our premier bowl games. Sorry, even if you win this week and end the season as the only undefeated team you aren't good enough for us. Better luck next year.

Actually, we take that back. Bad luck to you next year. We don't want to have to send this letter again.

Love,

The BCS

That was the message the BCS delivered BYU before they had even finished their season. To the BCS it didn't matter what happened in BYU's last game - win, lose, they were out either way. And that is precisely why the BCS deserves our very best hate. After all is said and done, the BCS doesn't even give teams a chance to lose, let alone win. This year it's TCU who is on the receiving end of a BCS-sponsored kick in the balls. Undefeated through twelve games and unacknowledged through the same number. Why doesn't TCU get a shot at the national title? Because some C++ algorithm tells us they aren't as good as the Ducks or the Tigers? Because TCU's undefeated season is somehow not as spotless as Oregon or Auburn's perfect record? The solution to this year and every year's problem is the same as it's always been: college football needs a playoff. Every other sport sponsored by the NCAA has one. The four major American sports have one. Even the presidential election progresses through a semi-finals to final match-up.

In order to get to the holy land of playoff football, where a champion can be decided on the field instead of on the hard drive, the BCS needs to be destroyed. Dashed into bits. Killed. Buried. And I hope I'm the one who gets to decorate its tombstone, because I'm not going to write 'rest in peace'.

But I would enjoy writing 'rest in pieces'.