The Change-Up Pitch

I'd ask you to forgive the recent increase in sports-related blog posts (5 of the last 6) if it weren't for the following pair of facts:

Fact A: We are currently in the thick of the greatest two-week sporting period of the year (baseball world series, middle of college and national football, tip-off of the NBA season) and

Fact B: I like to write about sports. It's what I do.

When it comes to fact B I'm in prestigious company because our friend Albert Einstein liked to write about sports too. At least I assume he was referring to the sporting world when he mouthed this 14-word gem:

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results."

If Einstein wasn't alluding to the Utah Jazz's last five seasons - and specifically their failure to change - then I have no idea what he was talking about.

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Side note: while perusing a very reliable web site, I found that it may not have been Einstein who first said this quote, but rather a character by the name of Rita Mae Brown. After further research I couldn't find anything that officially pinned the words down to the one or the other, so I'm giving the benefit of the doubt to Albert - partially because he had great hair, partially because he was a physicist (once one of my many dream jobs), but mainly because his name is Albert.

In the battle of first names, Albert will always conquer Rita. Consider the great Alberts of history:

Albert Pujols - Baseball Legend
Fat Albert - Comedy Legend
Albertsons - Grocery Legend

Meanwhile, a similar list of famous Rita's conjures only one name:

Rita Skeeter - Harry Potter villain

Therefore I suggest Albert be credited with this quote, at least until Wikipedia investigates the matter further.

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Now where were we? Oh yes, the Jazz. And change. These two items desperately needed to meet each other. For the last half-decade the Jazz rolled out the same core members (Carlos Boozer, Andrei Kirilenko, Deron Williams, and Mehmut Okur) while expecting the results of the previous year (playoff failure) to change. Well, in case you've been gone for a while, hear now that the results remained the same. The Jazz were beat in the playoffs in each of the last four years, never once making it to the NBA finals.

Now don't get me wrong, usually it's good to keep your team together, but not when that unit happens to get trashed progressively worse by the same rival year after year after year. At that point keeping the same players is a nice way to guarantee an early playoff exit. In the Jazz's case Boozer was too short, Okur was too weak on defense, Kirilenko had peaked in 2004 ... to have expected a championship run from this unchanged group would have been, as Albert said, insanity. The Jazz needed an about-face if they wanted a new result. They needed to pull a Desperate Housewives.

An explanation:

Desperate Housewives as a TV show has killed off no less than 24 of its characters and once advanced the story five years into the future between seasons. Point is the show is willing to tamper with anything if they think it will boost their ratings (don't ask how I know about this show, I, uh, just do). The Jazz needed to follow a similar strategy if they wanted new opportunities for their squad.

Fortunately, over the course of a few summer weeks, the change finally happened: Carlos Boozer left for Chicago, the Jazz duped Minnesota in a trade for a longer, stronger, more Mailman-like replacement (Al Jefferson - sadly Al is not short for Albert), and in perhaps their best move the team finally dumped their unsightly uniforms in favor of a 1980's throwback.

Big Mike (of Chuck fame) said it right: "To get your head right, you got to get your threads right." 

Will these changes (along with the additions of Raja Bell and soon-to-be-heartthrob Gordon Hayward) allow the team to make the jump from common crew to championship contender? Maybe and maybe not. The most likely bet is that the Jazz will end up failing in the playoffs just like they have in the past. At least this time we know it's not guaranteed from the beginning.

The Fraudulent Dater

It could be you. Or your friend. Your sister. Maybe your roomate. I suppose your mom could be a possibility too, under the right circumstances. Only time will tell. That and the depth of my cunning, of course. Not to mention how easily you can be deceived. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Just know you've been warned. I'm out to date you. Or anyone you know. And this time, I'm playing for keeps.

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As you can tell I'm getting worried, probably a smidge desperate, and certainly a bit moist around the armpits. I'm on a two-clock timer to find a wife. My enemies? Time and hair. Both are receding, and once one expires, it's game over for the Uruguayan Lion. Fortunatley, I've studied accounting for the last few years, which besides making me appear cool, has provided me with instruction on how to commit fraud. The essence of fraud is this: companies want money from investors. To get money, they have to be attractive. Obviously not all companies are good enough to merit these investments. As a result, a portion of these "ugly" businesses falsify their appearance to entice investors to pour funds into their plans. Simply stated, they project a false image of themselves to get what they want.

Finally I've learned something in school that I can apply to my life.

I feel no shame in admitting that I have falsified my appearance in an attempt to woo female investors. It's true, I've dabbled in dating fraud, and will continue to do so until a girl decides to invest in me. I started off with lower class fraud like lying about my age or year in school to appear younger (you'd think being old enough to have an IRA would attract girls, but you'd be wrong). I then vaulted into appearance fraud by waxing my chest so that future datees wouldn't realize I was half-bear.

Her: "Your arms and legs are so hairy. It's weird that your chest is pelt free."
Me: "Uh, yeah, bizzare huh ... so how bout the Jazz?"

Next was an attempt to develop a six pack to hide the fact that I have no other muscular features. To cover up my accounting personality I've employed a pair of gurus to tell me what girls want to hear, see, and feel from their male counterparts. Unfortunately, due to fear of dentists I failed to capitalize on one of the better tricks, that of the teeth-straightening braces. But I have done a good job of consistently shaving which keeps women from knowing I am Sharif Hakeem's cousin twice removed.

Someday this baby will brag that he was held by a terrorist

Of course, none of my actions have been as fraud-filled as the use of Rogaine. Yeah, you can marry me, but you should know the only thing keeping me from becoming George Costanza is a bottle of minoxidal topical solution.


You should also know that I'm fine with being a fraudulent dater. I don't see a problem with breaking one commandment (honesty) to bring about another (procreation). Adam and Eve did the same thing way back in the year zero.  Disobedience led them to making babies; surely lying can do the same for me.

By the way, did I mention that I can bench 245 pounds?

Now a note to my female readers - Understand that I'm not the only fraudster roaming the country side. At some point in your single days you are likely to be targeted by an artificial male. But never fear, the US Postal Service is here, with eight easy tips on how to detect fraudulent practices.

There you have it. If your suitor is overly friendly, doesn't have the look of a real man, promises too high of returns, or something about him just doesn't feel right then know you are being duped. I think it's only fair that girls be aware of these signs. Unlike deer, they deserve a fair chance when being hunted.

Lucky for me, I can still fly under the radar as almost none of these signs can be linked to yours truly. Sure some smart girl might realize my hairless chest doesn't "feel right" when compared to my hairy elsewhere, but I certainly don't promise high returns, nor am I very friendly. And even when I'm at my Enron-ic dating best, I'm certain there isn't any girl, in any place, in any time zone, that is ever going to be suspicious that I'm too good to be true.

But who cares?

It worked for Enron, right?

The Pros of Losing

Back-to-back blogs to commemorate back-to-back-to-back-to-back losses for BYU, a first in 17 years.

The Cougars are struggling. With identity issues. With inexperience. With stopping the run. Fact is there's not much the team is doing right at this point. Offensively the squad has failed to come together, a result of splitting practice time among key positions during fall camp. Toying with two players for one position has been as effective as dating two girls at the same time - it seemed like a good idea but now the Cougars have no play-maker at quarterback or tight end. On the defensive side, the team has lost five of their starters to injury, three of which were clear-cut team leaders (Rich, Fuga, Pendleton). Meanwhile, their one leader on offense is Luke Ashworth, and the only thing he's leading the Cougars in is dropped passes. He's not the only one who is having trouble satisfying the "receiving" part of wide receiver, however. Greg Wrubell wrote it best: "BYU QB Jake Heaps could sue his receiving corps for (the number of passes they've dropped)."

Most football manuals prefer the wide receiver use hands instead of elbows when completing a catch

As a whole, the team hasn't started off this poorly since 1973. Further losses may be on the horizon with powerhouses Wyoming and UNLV on the schedule, but the humiliation at Utah State may be the most painful moment of this season. If the temple is heaven on earth, last Friday Romney Stadium was hell's version of the same. Thankfully my family came to the game which prevented me from facing the full wrath of sitting in the student section. My family didn't prevent me from spending the weekend pondering the beating though. Perhaps it was the influence of General Conference, or some optimistic part of me that surfaced, but for whatever reason a few silver linings came to mind as comfort in the midst of these losses.


Thus I present the pros of losing.

The first pro that comes from supporting a losing team is the opportunity to prove your fanmanship. As a life-long BYU supporter I have often been called a "band wagon" fan, a term reserved for those who align themselves with winning teams only. By maintaining my support despite the Cougars horrific play, I can demonstrate my loyalty and prove my love for the team regardless of how good (or bad) they are. Following your team through the down times can become a badge of honor of sorts (see: Chicago Cub fans). This is a badge I will always wear with honor.

A second benefit of watching a horrible team is that it increases one's appreciation for the team's past players. This idea is of particular importance to me because I feel that BYU's most recent crop of dearly departed never got the appreciation they fully deserved. Max Hall and his many associates never received complete adoration because they failed to make it to the all-powerful BCS game. But now that Cougar fans have seen what their replacements can do, the feelings of gratitude should increase for these past players.

(Sidenote: I learned this lesson personally when the Red-headed lover departed for the lands of Argentina. Her replacements included untold hours of ESPN and Chuck. My appreciation certainly increased.)


The final benefit of failing miserably is that the bitterness of losing brings more meaning to future wins. Just as working makes vacations more meaningful, losses make future victories all the sweeter. That 83-year wait the Red Sox endured before winning the World Series? You think their championship meant a little more than the one the Yankees win every few years? And I haven't even mentioned the joy that comes from revenge victories. Together it all shows that losing enriches the value of later wins.

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For BYU, these victories will come. Jake Heaps has looked great in reading his options and evading tacklers in the pocket. Through two starts he's shown better pocket presence and arm strength than John Beck or Max Hall did at similar points in their careers. Once he settles down his throws and his receivers learn to catch, Heaps will begin a lengthy crusade on the BYU record books. Such is my hope, my belief, my prediction.

Provo burns at present, but the fires will be extinguished.

To the BYU haters, enjoy it while it lasts.

Of fans, proxys, and Pearsons

After being flipped off, yelled at, cursed at, hit with popcorn, and having my church ridiculed, I realized I had put myself in a slightly precarious situation.

The elements of a precarious situation:

1) I was attending the BYU-Utah State football game in Logan.
2) I was sitting on the third row in the USU student section.
3) I was cheering maniacally for the Cougars.

Thus the intense anger of the crowd wasn't unexpected.

The unexpected  part was that there was a crowd.

You see, the one finger salute, the popcorn shower, and the assault of the four-letter words didn't come until 13 minutes were left in the fourth quarter, when USU scored its first points of the game. Prior to that moment, BYU was in the middle of a 34 to 0 shutout. The fans should have long retreated, assured of another embarrassing loss. Really, who sticks around to see their team get humiliated by their "rival"? The Aggies were down five scores with less than a quarter to play! But when Robert Turban scored those first points for the Aggies, the still-filled stadium erupted as though Merlin Olsen had descended from the heavens to take the field. I've never experienced anything like it. Throughout the whole fourth quarter the crowd was on their feet, delirious. This despite the fact that the team they were cheering for was getting their balls handed to them!

"There was a lot of energy in that crowd," said USU head coach Brent Guy. "I wish our stadium could be like that every week."

Good luck with that. The only way that wish will be granted is if BYU comes to town every Saturday. They're the only team that can inspire such hatred and crowd intensity, regardless the score.

Still, that particular group of USU fans/BYU haters displayed more bizarre pride in their team than perhaps any sports crowd ever has.

Keep in mind bizarre doesn't necessarily mean intelligent.

Down 34 to 7, the crowd began to scream, "over-rated, over-rated", in one of the more mystifying moments in fan history. Understand that:

a)  BYU had scored 24 points in the first quarter before letting off the gas.
b)  Utah State had gone 47 minutes of game time without scoring a point prior to Turban's touchdown.
c)  Utah State was trailing by 27 points with 13 minutes left in the game.

And the crowd was proclaiming BYU's team overrated.

Mocking aside, the truth is that crowd deserves recognition for creating a remarkable atmosphere that night two years ago. It's an atmosphere that I'm excited to experience again this Friday. The Aggie football team will play like men bent on ruining conference weekend, and the crowd will back them up with as much ferocity and loyalty as they can muster.

May the proxy magic be with us again this year

Meanwhile I will do my part by running proxy plays in USU's stadium the day before the game. The last time BYU visited Logan Brian Henderson, Ryan the Pearson, Brooke Deem, and yours truly prepared the field by running plays in the Cougars name about 20 hours prior to kickoff. On the very turf that BYU would dominate the next day, Max Hall (Brian) completed touchdown passes to Austin Collie (me) while Harvey Unga (Brooke) rumbled into the end-zone for multiple scores. One of the proxy plays we ran was a lengthy fumble return for touchdown by cornerback Brandon Howard. In the actual game, Brandon Bradley (the other cornerback) returned a fumble for a 38-yard touchdown. Coincidence? I think not.

Hopefully the proxy efforts will be the forerunner to a resounding BYU performance, leaving the USU fans with nothing to cheer about.

Then again, if being up 34-7 with 10 minutes left in the game can't shut a crowd up, I'm not sure what will.