Prose from the Past

Due to either

1) extreme boredom

2) a twinge of sentimentality or

3) a desire to look at pictures of 18-year old girls

I decided to crack open the old school yearbooks. Though the photos of my afro were fairly comical, the most entertaining elements of the yearbook were the signings of my fellow alums.

The evolution of the 'Fro

Thus the following lists some of my classmates more memorable words (ranging from grades 7 to 12) along with some hindsight commentary.

(Spoiler alert: Unless you happen to be B/Ryan, Nathan, Bunna or a fan of the Miami Dolphins, these words probably aren't worth your time. Even then I'd call this a stretch.)

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“Congrats on being the awards champion. I love it when Nathan loses.” – Bryan Farnsworth

Ten years of empirical evidence has shown that all of us love it when Nathan loses (see Settlers of Cattan).


“Join the swim team.” - Cody M

Sorry, I draw the line at waxing my chest. Plus if I wanted to shower with naked dudes everyday I’d go back to the MTC.


“Don’t break the girls hearts!” - Monica

Obviously Monica was blind.
That or she thought the girls at our high school had very low expectations. Speaking of poor expectations ...


“Aim so low you’ll always be impressed with yourself.” - Ryan Pearson

Sound advice, from an unsound man.


“Eres muy inteligente! Adios.” - Senor Erickson

Two issues here. First of all, what type of nerd gets his Spanish teacher to sign his yearbook? Could someone go back in time 11 years and punch the 1999 me in the face? Secondly, how could this be the only Spanish comment in my yearbook when 50% of my school spoke Spanish exclusively? I wonder if I was racist. That might explain what Jan wrote.


“You don’t know me. I’m black.” – Jan

You’re right, I don’t know you, nor do I remember you. But in this case I don’t think it was because you were black. I think its cause your name was Jan.


“You are a very misguided young teenager” – S. Sundberg
“Spencer - You’re an odd kid” - Beth McHale

Now I remember why I had avoided looking at these books for so long.


“Spencer – Thanks for a great time at Sadie Hawkins.” – Melinda Wayman

And thank you for not slapping me when I hugged my cat instead of you at the doorstep.


“Get Playstation 2.” - Ian

I did. That act consequently accounted for 92% of my High School experience.


“Hey Spencer, I owe you for the homework that I copied off you. Thanks hot stuff.” – Ray Feinga, West Lake grad and current Miami Dolphin

Yeah that’s right, one of BYU’s greatest offensive lineman and current NFL player Ray Feinga copied my homework. I like to think I played a part in him making it big. And he called me hot stuff. Of course, I would prefer if a girl had said that, but I'll take what I can get.


“See you when you see me.” – Dutch

Knowing my eyesight I’ll never see you, which means you’ll never see me, which means I’ll never have a friend with such a cool name ever again.


“Hope 9th grade was as fun as you expected!” - Sunny Kim

You mean as fun as an enema delivered by a 12-guage? Yeah, it was! Thanks Sunny!


“Official Head Champion of the World” – Bunna Veth

Not sure if this was meant to describe me or if Bunna was describing himself. The way I see it, either of us could fit that bill. Hmm ... let’s let Austin Higginson decide.


“Spencer – you’re the coolest kid I know. Next to Bunna.” - Austin Higginson

Well that settles that. Presenting Bunna Veth, Official Head Champion of the World.


“Good luck finding a cure for your colorblindness.” – Ryan Pearson
“I apologize for using orange markers a lot this year. Amazing that you learned “the Calculus” when you couldn’t see half the time.” – Mr. Clawson

So I couldn't see certain colors (orange included). Big deal. Bunna could. And I could see Bunna's paper. And Bunna wasn't just Head Champion of the World, he was Head Champion of Calculus too. You get the picture.


“You better train me in golf this year” – Nathan Ballard, May 2001
“I’m glad you don’t suck at Golf like Nathan.” - Devon Smith, May 2002

Apparently I’m not much of a golf instructor.


"Don't become a lesbian." - Park
"Don't turn into a lesbian." - Clint

Due to this request being cited more than once, I'm led to believe that the fear of turning into a girl and becoming attracted to girls was a major concern during the 7th grade. Glad I could be reminded of this.


“Spencer - Perhaps the only person in this school who hates the Utes as much as I do. Perhaps more.”  – Ryan Pearson

The highest compliment I’ve ever been paid.


“Have a good life” - Chris Wright

Working on it.


“May your sports gambling winnings pay for your mission” – Brother Anguilano

A signature from the seminary teacher? Again. Please. Someone go back in time and beat the nerdiness out of me.


“I’d write something clever but Art History has taken my creativity.” – Bunna

I'd write something clever but I ran out of good blog ideas five months ago.
And I didn't even take Art History.

A Date with Hate

Two years ago Utah State’s basketball team had a 24-1 record, a 19-game winning streak, was ranked number 17 in the nation, and was in the process of completing the school’s greatest basketball season of all time. The one loss, however, left a permanent poop stain on an otherwise beautiful season. Why? Because the lone loss came courtesy of BYU – the Hated BYU. At the end of the year I asked one of USU’s biggest fans, Scott Ficklin (who routinely goes to games seven hours early to ensure front row seats) if he would rather have had the current season’s results (best season ever, but with a loss to BYU) or a mediocre season with a win over BYU. His response: “I would be fine if we lost every game, every year, for the duration of time, so long as we at least beat BYU.”

And that is why I love BYU sports. Because everyone else hates them.

And when I say hate I’m not talking about mere dislike. I mean heart-consuming hatred. The type of hate that is reserved for long stoplights, slow internet and alarm clocks. Of course you don’t have to take my word alone as proof of the hatred. In 1992 Sports Illustrated published an article detailing BYU as the most hated College Football team in all of America. Not Notre Dame, not Ohio State, not Miami – BYU! Among the more comical quotes from the article:

- “There are other teams that generate annoyance ... But when it comes to contempt, BYU has retired the trophy."

- "I just hate them," says Pat Rabold, former Wyoming lineman. "Can't stand them. Nobody can."

- "If Brigham Young University wants to make a major contribution to our hateful society, I plead that it get out of (our football conference)."

Yeah, I can see how people could hate this

And don’t think for a second that the passage of time has dulled the anger. Just last year the Cougars were again ranked among the most hated college football teams, despite having had some pathetic seasons in the last decade.

Now why would I love a team that inspires ire everywhere it goes? It’s simple - I enjoy when my rival fans are possessed with feelings of hatred. I mean, why would I want my enemy fans to be happy? I want them to be upset, irritated, vengeful, stirring at night because of the jerky things my team said or did (thank you Max Hall). Think of it this way:  if your main enemy is your mother-in-law, would you want her to be happy? The Bible might say yes, but you and I both know the answer is no. Thus the more bothered my rival fans are, the happier I am. 

Max is gone, but a new magnet for hatred will take his place

Additionally, being hated is a sign of success. It means your team is relevant, respected and usually victorious. Consider for instance the most hated teams in pro sports. You have the Yankees, the Patriots and the Lakers, three teams who won ten championships in the last decade. Not too shabby a company to keep. 

So with three weeks remaining until the college football season kicks off, let the Cougar hatred carry on. 

It only makes me love them more.

Bitter? Of Course Not

I almost took a tile-saw to my stomach once I heard the U of U was being picked to join the PAC-10 conference. Just like that my greatest enemy was chosen over my favorite team in the quest for more money, exposure, and prestige. I wanted to throw up. And then Greg Wrubell reminded me of a little something I like to call the "BYU has 83 more championships than you" statistic.

Glad to see that these numbers didn't influence anyone's choices when it came to conference expansion.

Total MWC Championships (Regular Season and Tournament Combined)
 
BYU: 130
Utah: 47
UNLV: 35
New Mexico: 32
San Diego State: 28
TCU*: 26
Colorado State: 26
Air Force: 2
Wyoming: 2
*member since 2005-06


MWC Regular Season Championships
 
BYU: 40
Utah: 31
San Diego State: 17
TCU: 14
Colorado State: 13
UNLV: 10
New Mexico: 9
Wyoming: 2
Air Force: 1
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MWC Tournament Championships
 
BYU: 90
UNLV: 25
New Mexico: 23
Utah: 16
Colorado State: 13
TCU: 12
San Diego State: 11
Air Force: 1
Wyoming: 0

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Suddenly I don't feel so bad about BYU being passed over for Utah's vastly "superior" athletic program.

Request Denied

If you were running your college newspaper would you have printed this letter?


To the beautiful blond and brunette girls that stood behind us at the football game Friday:

We miss you.

True, we never actually met, but we were saddened nevertheless when you left for Café Rio at halftime. You were sitting on the edge of row 24 at the South 40-yard line, which you described on the phone to your friend as the East 40-yard line (yeah, we were listening, sorry). Perhaps you remember us. One of us was drinking chocolate milk from an elementary school carton. The other was standing next to the one drinking chocolate milk. The closest we came to formally meeting each other was when you, the blonde one, nearly fell on me, the milk drinker, as we celebrated Robert Turbin's touchdown.

At this point you've probably decided that we are creepers, but before you judge us too harshly consider the following: if we were truly creepy, we would have tried to hit on you at the game, right? Alas we had not the courage to speak. Now our only hope of meeting you is via this letter. With that in mind we propose the following: Tonight and tomorrow night (after 8:00) we will be in the library drinking chocolate milk from elementary school cartons. If you find us, we will take you out to Café Rio or a restaurant of your choice (except Hamilton’s, too expensive). Feel free to send a scout if you can’t remember us and are doubting the quality of our looks.

Impressed,

Spencer and Nathan

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Yes, we really wrote this and yes, we really did send it in to the school paper.

Surprisingly, the editors decided not to publish it.

(And by surprisingly, I mean thankfully, because I would have felt like a doofus drinking milk in the library waiting for some hotties who never would have arrived. Plus Nathan's girlfriend probably wouldn't have been too happy about the whole thing.)

Only minds touched by Einstein could come up with a plan like this

Thus me and Nathan learned that USU doesn't want its school paper turned into a dating service. Fair enough. So let's focus on the second question this letter poses. If you were those girls would the letter have charmed you into coming? Or would you have been repulsed into hiding?

Yeah, I agree, I probably would've been repulsed too.

Oh well. That doesn't mean I won't try again.

After all, in four weeks we'll have a new school year, new girls to creep out, and most importantly, new editors at the paper.