Just as I was on the verge of relieving myself in a human-size litter box -- the sandtrap on the 10th hole at Westridge Golf Course -- I realized I needed help.
The reasons I needed help:
-I meow in my sleep
-I hate dogs
-I like to rub against peoples legs (girl's legs)
-My basketball nickname is the Catman
-I shed (stupid baldness)
-I live the nightlife
-I'm curious
-I like to sleep a lot
-When I fall, I land on my feet
-I enjoy sneaking about
-Sometimes I wish I had a tail
In short, I possessed cat-like characteristics. More than any man should ever have. I needed help. So whenever I need help I go to my psychiatrist, Nathan Ballard.
Me: Good day Doc.
Him: Good day Mr. Hansen. I hear that you think you're a cat.
Me: well, not exactl-
Him (Interrupting): You know being a cat isn't all it's cracked up to be, don't you?
Me: well its-
Him(Interrupting): For example, cats do not receive the designation of man's best friend.
Me: That's debatab-
Him(Interrupting): And cats have to clean themselves with their tongues.
Me: There are worse-
Him(Interrupting): Not to mention the only action a cat can get is a good petting.
Me: Pun.
Him: Not funny.
Me: (Silent)
Him: Plus, cats get neutered.
The convincing was done.The psychiatrist came through once again. I am not a cat. I know I am not a cat. And I'm fine with it. I'll be anything if it means I don't have to be a dog.
Now at this point, you might be asking yourself why in the world you wasted two minutes reading what appears to be a pointless blog. Don't fret, it has a point, and it is this: If you ever find yourself on the Westridge Golf Course and you hit your ball into the sand trap on the 10th hole, fear not.
I did not use it as a litter box.
new header
September 18, 2008
September 8, 2008
Let the Legend Live
I love you Lance, but this time I hope you just give up. In my mind you're the greatest cyclist ever born, and I want it to stay that way.Please don't come out of retirement.
The list of people who have unretired doesn't offer you much hope:
Michale Jordan couldn't do it.
Roger Clemens couldn't do it.
Brett Favre ... well, I guess we'll find out how well he does soon enough.
The point is you've seen enough athletes come out of retirement to know that the majority fall on their faces. Fans often remember these player's failed attempts at renewed stardom just as well as they do their previous successes. Michael Jordan left the NBA in a perfect snapshot; an all-star whose game-winning shot won his team the NBA Finals. But a couple of years later he returned and looked like a third-world player scoring a few points here and there for a non-playoff caliber team. Do you think he doesn't regret ending his career that way? If you come back, you'll be in danger of doing the same thing.
You're nearly thirty-seven years old; until you came along nobody over the age of thirty had ever won the Tour de France. You know the odds are against you, right? (Not that you haven't heard that before) Yeah, the odds were against you surviving cancer. And sure, the odds were against you winning the Tour de France. And I suppose it's true that the odds were against you winning the Tour de France seven times in a row. So maybe I'm wrong in telling you to quit because if anyone could pull off a successful return from retirement, I figure you'd be the one to do it.
Yet what good would winning another Tour de France do you? You've already inspired millions and made millions; what more do you need? An entire nation views you as a hero. Cancer victims love you. Cyclists love you. Everyone who hates the French loves you. So why would you potentially embarrass yourself by participating in races you very well could lose? You left the sport as the most decorated cyclist to ever pedal. You won the Tour de France seven times in a row. Don't kill that legacy by coming back and performing at a lower level than you did before.
The legacy of which I speak has impressed me ever since 2001 when my older brother told me that a guy with one testicle was trashing the best cyclists the world had to offer. He showed me this picture (right) of you giving Jan Ullrich the "Is that the best you've got" look after flying past him in your third tour victory. I've been enthralled by your performance on the bike ever since that day. I bought a Livestrong band. I memorized the names of the postal squad. I even once attempted to bike up the hills of Bountiful.
You won your record-setting seventh tour while I toiled away in a religious redirection center known as the MTC. It wasn't easy for me to sit in a 144 square foot classroom, studying in 90 degree heat for 9 hours of the day. You inspired me during that time.I knew that if you could sit on a 15 square inch seat, biking in 90 degree heat for 9 hours a day, then I could survive my torments.
For that and many other reasons, you've been a hero to me. I haven't been affected by cancer, I'll admit I'm not much of a cyclist, and I'm pretty impartial when it comes to the French, but you're a hero to me none the less. And that's the way I want it to stay.
Please don't come back, Lance.
By letting your career die, you'll allow your legend to live.
The list of people who have unretired doesn't offer you much hope:
Michale Jordan couldn't do it.
Roger Clemens couldn't do it.
Brett Favre ... well, I guess we'll find out how well he does soon enough.
The point is you've seen enough athletes come out of retirement to know that the majority fall on their faces. Fans often remember these player's failed attempts at renewed stardom just as well as they do their previous successes. Michael Jordan left the NBA in a perfect snapshot; an all-star whose game-winning shot won his team the NBA Finals. But a couple of years later he returned and looked like a third-world player scoring a few points here and there for a non-playoff caliber team. Do you think he doesn't regret ending his career that way? If you come back, you'll be in danger of doing the same thing.
You're nearly thirty-seven years old; until you came along nobody over the age of thirty had ever won the Tour de France. You know the odds are against you, right? (Not that you haven't heard that before) Yeah, the odds were against you surviving cancer. And sure, the odds were against you winning the Tour de France. And I suppose it's true that the odds were against you winning the Tour de France seven times in a row. So maybe I'm wrong in telling you to quit because if anyone could pull off a successful return from retirement, I figure you'd be the one to do it.
Yet what good would winning another Tour de France do you? You've already inspired millions and made millions; what more do you need? An entire nation views you as a hero. Cancer victims love you. Cyclists love you. Everyone who hates the French loves you. So why would you potentially embarrass yourself by participating in races you very well could lose? You left the sport as the most decorated cyclist to ever pedal. You won the Tour de France seven times in a row. Don't kill that legacy by coming back and performing at a lower level than you did before.
The legacy of which I speak has impressed me ever since 2001 when my older brother told me that a guy with one testicle was trashing the best cyclists the world had to offer. He showed me this picture (right) of you giving Jan Ullrich the "Is that the best you've got" look after flying past him in your third tour victory. I've been enthralled by your performance on the bike ever since that day. I bought a Livestrong band. I memorized the names of the postal squad. I even once attempted to bike up the hills of Bountiful.
You won your record-setting seventh tour while I toiled away in a religious redirection center known as the MTC. It wasn't easy for me to sit in a 144 square foot classroom, studying in 90 degree heat for 9 hours of the day. You inspired me during that time.I knew that if you could sit on a 15 square inch seat, biking in 90 degree heat for 9 hours a day, then I could survive my torments.
For that and many other reasons, you've been a hero to me. I haven't been affected by cancer, I'll admit I'm not much of a cyclist, and I'm pretty impartial when it comes to the French, but you're a hero to me none the less. And that's the way I want it to stay.
Please don't come back, Lance.
By letting your career die, you'll allow your legend to live.
September 1, 2008
Dump and Dumper
On my third day of work I cut a sprinkler in half with my lawnmower. That mistake led to a geyser which led to a Hansen-made lake which led to my boss asking me this question:
"Stabbed or beaten?"
I opted to be beaten, hoping that in his old age my boss would run out of strength and therefore not kill me. Then I considered the pros of being stabbed, thinking that a quick and easy death might be better than living through a potentially paralyzing pummeling. In the end I never decided which route would be less painful, but the intense thinking led me to ponder a similar question. When a relationship ends which is worse: being dumped, or doing the dumping?
I've been dumped once and have twice been the dumper (thrice the dumper if you count more than one dump on the same girl). None of the experiences were enjoyable. Let's examine the occurences in chronological order*.
Spencer the Dumpee (Summer 2003)
I was in love with a girl. We went on a couple of dates. She taught me how to hold hands in the correct fashion. One day I called her. She didn't answer.I left a message. She didn't call back. I called another day. No answer, no call back. I called again. No response.
"Stabbed or beaten?"
I opted to be beaten, hoping that in his old age my boss would run out of strength and therefore not kill me. Then I considered the pros of being stabbed, thinking that a quick and easy death might be better than living through a potentially paralyzing pummeling. In the end I never decided which route would be less painful, but the intense thinking led me to ponder a similar question. When a relationship ends which is worse: being dumped, or doing the dumping?
I've been dumped once and have twice been the dumper (thrice the dumper if you count more than one dump on the same girl). None of the experiences were enjoyable. Let's examine the occurences in chronological order*.
Spencer the Dumpee (Summer 2003)
I was in love with a girl. We went on a couple of dates. She taught me how to hold hands in the correct fashion. One day I called her. She didn't answer.I left a message. She didn't call back. I called another day. No answer, no call back. I called again. No response.
So I cried.
Spencer the Dumper Round I (March 2007, Oct 2007)
I was in love with a girl. We went on a couple of dates. She taught me how to be less awkward. After time I knew I needed to dump her, but didn't know how to do it .One day she called me. It happened. The conversation was not good.
I was in love with a girl. We went on a couple of dates. She taught me how to be less awkward. After time I knew I needed to dump her, but didn't know how to do it .One day she called me. It happened. The conversation was not good.
So she cried.
Spencer the Dumper Round II (July 2008)
I was in love with a girl. We went on a couple of dates. She taught me that large lips are a prized possesion. We had planned on having a mutual dump eventually, but didn't know when. One day she called me. It happened.The conversation was not good.
I was in love with a girl. We went on a couple of dates. She taught me that large lips are a prized possesion. We had planned on having a mutual dump eventually, but didn't know when. One day she called me. It happened.The conversation was not good.
So we cried.
Analysis
As a dumpee I suffered. Its tough for a man of my manliness to admit it, but I felt like a loser. Not good enough. Face too hairy. Teeth too crooked. Muscles too small. Being a dumpee, I learned, equals no good.
As a dumper I suffered. Those who have only been dumped may believe that the dumpee suffers exclusively, but such is not the case. As a dumper I suffereded because I wasn't sure that I had made the right choice in doing the dumping. I suffered because I felt bad that I had hurt the other person. I suffered because I knew that dumping the relationship dumped our friendship as well. Being a dumper, I learned, equals no good.
So which side is worse? My current opinion is that both positions are equally awful. You may disagree. Even I'm not too sure. But if you do happen to currently be a dumper or a dumpee, look on the bright side and realize things could be worse.
You could be a groom.
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